Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

25Jan/132

Times Square Pizza

Posted by pete

 NOPE

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Fuck a goddamn duck. Why do people keep putting  pizzerias in this location? Do they not know of the vengeful pizza curse that will inevitably buttfuck them? First you had Krazy, a goddamn institution of terribleness which closed down at least 49,000 years ago. Then Goodfellas comes along and I barely know what the fuck to say about that place. I gave them more chances than I should have, for personal reasons. They occasionally churned out really good pizzas, but only when they happened to be using quality ingredients (which was rarely). You have to use good products. It's pretty fucking simple.

Yes, I have heard the popular refrain that, "it's like pizza; even if it's bad it's still good." WELL FUCK YOU. Honestly, just fuck you. That's like Paula Deen saying that, "it's like butter, I'm a dumb fat shitty bitch." I don't want to fucking hear that shit. I just hate this concept of pizza being a bankrupt foodstuff which doesn't really matter and that drawing distinctions between pizzas makes me a faggot. No, what makes me a faggot is all the dick I suck, I'll have you know.

Along this line of thought, of how to define pizzas and how to suck dick, let me just say that Times Square is all fucking tooth in the blowjob arena and as far as pizzas go it's just a whole lotta fucking god damn I don't know what. But it's bad. And they air their pies out like dirty laundry. Health code violation, anyone?

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Notice how they're dicking around in the back and their slice pies are just sitting there waiting for some vagrant to start getting his whiskey dick cheesed off all in your slice? I'll give these guys the benefit of the doubt for now and just assume they've never heard of glass.

I was looking forward to this place opening up since I live nearby, I went to Goodfellas a lot (to play PacMan) and I'm a reformed quasi-Rack'mite. The first sign of trouble was when I heard they were gonna cook their pizzas on some kind fancyfuck of a  pan and not use flour ... just ... oil ... I'll have you know that I hate ellipses, but I really felt the need to belabor the point that I'm confused as fuck right now. Shit's weird, I'm scared and confused, I haven't even eaten happytime mushrooms in over a year, nothing makes sense, help me, I'm drowning in stupidity.

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My girlfriend took a bite of this before I took the picture. That bitch.

Also I'm drowning in bad, bad, bad, rubbery, low-fat, sad-as-fuck cheese. I'm drowning in sauce that tastes like it came straight out of a bad, bad, bad jar of generic 'pizza sauce.'  And then there's the crust that is underdone, greasy, silly, full of what-the-fucks and man let's go back to the cheese for a second because it's fuckin' burnt too.

Fucking recap: Doughy, underdone crust cooked on a pan lined with grease. Very bad and very burnt cheese-like rubber atop a layer of jarred idiot sauce. Are you with me in standing up and saying 'THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND, DUDE"?

It reminds me of a trip to the food store the other day. This car was in the middle of the lanes, blocking me. I flipped this car off because the car was where it shouldn't be. The numbskull in the car didn't really like me flipping his car off so he waited for me at the front of the store and confronted me. I really just wanted to buy some yogurt so I tried to walk past him and he shoved me! I gave him a little charge and I guess he realized that a crazed 200-pound pile of who-knows-what might threaten his sixty-year-old bones so he backed away and said, "I better not see you around here again," (what is this the old fucking west?), to which I responded with a followup double-bird flipping and a crazy head-shake accompanied by a noise that sounded like this: "WHHAARRRLRRHHGGHHLEERRAHH."

What I'm trying to say is, and this is about to get existential: the old man and the Times Square slice are the same. They're self important and they're really bad at whatever they're trying to do. They're a dichotomy of boldness and weakness. They're like the baby that cries a lot only to be tossed unemotionally into the nearest bin.

Everyone, into the bin!

I have no more words.

Rating:

6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Times Square Pizza - $2.50 + tax
417 South College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

Time Square Pizza on Urbanspoon

10Oct/124

Might as Well Bar and Grill

Posted by pete

Never shall I have a first born, for I shall surely love this place more than ... it

At first you might look at this pizza and say, "fuck me that slice is small and it's half bubble, fuck that." But check this out, this slice only costs a buck. Though this slice was small, it was abnormally good. Though there is clearly oregano on there, I didn't do it. If you've read my other reviews, you know I love oregano and apply it liberally. Beyond that, the cheese was just damn excellent. I don't know what they use but my first guess was Grande, which is a great cheese for a dollar slice. The sauce was lightly applied and therefore nondescript but also inoffensive.

Then we come to the issue of the crust. On the one hand, it was not exactly my type of crust - it was too thin and insubstantial. On the other hand, it was cooked exceptionally well, tasted fine, and hardly withstands any legitimate complaints. You might notice and be offended by the bubble in the middle of the slice. I can understand that but I grew up with bubble pizza, love that shit, and refuse to pander to your silliness.

In the above picture you can see the bottom of the slice. There is something vaguely Neapolitan about it. Yet after seeing the complete and final product it kind of reminds me more of some unleavened Jewish bread. I don't really mean this in a bad way because I was truly floored by this pizza. Though for me a slice is often made or broken by the crust, this slice really impressed me with its cheese. The crust was more than passable and the sauce was barely there but the cheese shone through like a motherfucker.

But then I went back again. I'll be honest when I say that I love this place. I love their dollar slices (they far outpace any dollar slice you will find in NYC and kill many slices that are north of $2.50 locally), love their wings, their drink prices, their location, their staff, their outdoor bar, just about everything. When I remember how terrible Fat Tony's was at this exact location, my heart is so warm that hobos flock to it for warmth.

However, on my second visit, my slice of pizza was merely 'pretty good.'

My second slice was cheese-heavy and it lacked oregano. The slice itself was larger but the crust resembled a more typical NY crust. I had some weird fascination with their thin (almost cracker-like) crust which I had had before, so this annoyed me. Though the sauce was more liberally applied, it remained inoffensive to the point that I didn't make note of it. The cheese was really the main culprit. Whereas the first slice's cheese was great, this one seemed too-heavily applied and, more importantly, of inferior quality.

This could be chalked up to a mozzarella run to Lowes due to low stock and desperation. Or maybe they're realizing that they shouldn't be using good cheese on dollar slices. Either way, I, Pete, your pizza reviewer, refuse to rate this slice just yet. Partially because I've had both a great slice and a mediocre slice and don't know where I stand and partially because I know I'm going back. Because I love this place so I "might as well." Aw fuck I feel dirty for even saying that.

Edit: Okay I'm giving this place 3 recircs. That's pretty fucking good for a dollar slice.

 

3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Might as Well Bar and Grill - $1.00 + tax

250 Racine Dr., Wilmington, NC 28403
Might As Well Bar & Grill on Urbanspoon

12Jul/123

Brooklyn Sal’s Famous Pizza

Posted by pete

[insert picture of exterior here. it was so hot out my phone was malfunctioning]

I've been patiently waiting for this place to open up since the closing of the infamous Gumby's. So when I saw the sign out front saying that it had opened, I was stoked. But it's been 100 degrees every fucking day and who wants to eat a hot slice of pizza when you've already sweated your balls down into ass-sweat covered raisins? I'm sorry about that awful mental imagery. Heat stroke and whiskey, blame them as well.

Through my various spies in town I learned that "Sal" is allegedly the brother of the dude that runs Uncle Vinny's in Carolina Beach. This gave me high hopes, since before learning this bit of intel I sort of assumed Brooklyn Sal's would be another shitty shop like Gumby's, just trying to steal the real Brooklyn Pizza's name along the way. Uncle Vinny's actually serves up a really good pie. It's not prototypical NY-street style stuff but you can tell they give many shits about the product they're selling in terms of ingredients and craftsmanship, and that goes a hell of a long way.

Brooklyn Sal's is not midtown Wilmington's answer to the opening of Uncle Vinny's in CB. Neither is Nino's, as I recently informed you. Midtown pizza is still dominated by IncredibleNicola's and Pizzettas, with the potential nod to Luciano's which can be hit-or-miss.

The good news is that Brooklyn Sal's is a lot better than Gumby's was. Granted, that's not saying much, but their pizza is definitely not super bad. Plus, they just opened, so maybe they're still working on things. I'd wait a while and give them another try, but I learned my lesson from Nino's. Get it right or don't open up, motherfuckers.

It was kind of tough for me to distinguish the cheese from the sauce - probably because the sauce had a very strong flavor and the slice was a bit under-cheesed. I thought the cheese was okay but nothing to write home about (Hi mom). The sauce had a strange - though not offensive - taste. If I were a vegetarian, I would ask the cooks if the sauce was meat-based, because it definitely had a meaty flavor.

The crust kind of reminded me of a Papa Johns crust except thinner, drier and less greasy. It wasn't really that bad but it could have been a lot better. There are a few culprits one might blame but I'd pin the majority of the blame on what I suspect to be a too-low deck temperature on their pizza oven.

Overall, I would classify it as a strange cross between national American-style pizza chains and - interestingly - a Wilmington favorite, Brooklyn Pizza. It seems to falter in an attempt to satisfy both crowds, which is a shame. It may be the same trap Gumby's fell into: trying to please everyone and failing to please anyone. Well, except that strange fat man who sat next to me and tried to talk to me. He loved this shit.

It just seems to me that a good NY-style pizza is a cheap and easy thing to make and would be wildly popular in their location, yet they aren't quite hitting the mark. Just go minutes away in either direction to Pizzetta's, Nicolas or even motherfucking Scotto in the mall and skip this place entirely. Fuck it.

Also, who do you think you guys are, trying to throw the word Famous into your name?

There has never been a more substantial man in the history of mankind than Salamander Sal - Abe Lincoln

 

5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Brooklyn Sal's Famous Pizza - $2.50 + tax
1414 S. College Rd., Wilmington, NC 28403

Brooklyn Sal's Famous Pizza on Urbanspoon

20Feb/123

Cici’s Pizza

Posted by pete

I've got the fear


I wish I could say that I didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to go to Cici's, but I did. I knew full damn well what I was getting into. I'd been here years ago, a little while after they opened. Their pizza was as offensive as it was inoffensive. At the time I figured they just bought frozen pizza from the grocery store next door, threw it in the oven, then let the peons ingest, as is their wont. Presently I think they just shit onto pizza pans.

My former intention was to eschew this place in terms of blogitude, since, after all, this is a pizza blog. No motherfucker is going here for the pizza. People go here to get fat. If you question that, just go to Cici's and view the wildlife in their natural habitat. Whole families of fatties waddling and swaddling, rolling and folding into chairs and booths (preferably booths, let's be serious) to get that next overflowing plate polished off. It's as if they don't realize that this sideshow is not a race; the food is infinite. No kidding! It's both fun to watch and also overwhelmingly terrible.

That said, even for the pizza connoisseur  it becomes a matter of some competitiveness; despite my misgivings, I ate up a fucking storm.

As an aside: once, shortly after an impressive abdominal surgery, I forced approximately 4 Bdobo plates into myself. I think I busted at least one gut and countless stitches. That is to say, I am well-acquainted with the desire to kill yourself in order to "get your money's worth." Because if you're paying 7-8 dollars for shitty pizza and sugary fizz-water, you damn well better make sure you go away feeling as terrible and fat as the rest of the world already knows you are.

I hate to say it, but this fucking cheese pizza was not as bad as it ought to have been. The sauce was better than I've had at some places in town but was still too pasty, too overcooked, too overspiced and too prevalent. The cheese seemed alright. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense but I thought it was okay, so fuck off. The crust was better than any chain pizza and worse than any real pizzeria, so take that for what it's worth (not much).

The main reason I went here was because I had a B1G1 Free coupon and my girlfriend likes this kind of bullshit smorgasbord almost as much as she likes going to ritzy places downtown. But it still cost me almost ten ducklings. I'd rather go to PT's Grille, frankly. I love that place. Their menu is amazing, employees are awesome, beer is cheap, burgers are awesome, garlic fries are pure facerape.

Though, at the end of the day of pizza buffet, I was still able to destroy two scrommings for about eight dollars; coulda been worse. But it could have also been better, like if I had gone to Michaelangelos, because they also have a lunchtime buffet deal, which is better and maybe even cheaper.

Struggled a bit with this rating, to be sure. I'm settling on a 6. Better than anyone would have guessed, I'm sure. If you are wondering how this place ranks better than some of Wilmington's holier-than-though institutions, it's because you're a fucking twat.

News: Apparently Nino's is opening a location (I assume it's from the same folks in Wrightsboro but maybe not) at 5500 Market St. Odd location, in my opinion. The more you know.

Never gonna give you up.


6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

7-8 ducks at dinner with a drink (On a weekend I guess. Don't really know why they charged me so much)
341 S College Rd # 8A, Wilmington, NC 28403

CiCi's Pizza on Urbanspoon

21Nov/112

Goodfellas Pizza

Posted by Capt. Falcon

ed. note: The original review for this establishment is a fart in the wind, I got this jerk to re-review for me. - Pete

I found the old review. God bless backups. I'll keep this one around to show how hit-or-miss this wacky-ass place can be. - Pete

Surprisingly edible.

Goodfellas Pizza  is  located in the University Landing area. The first time I attempted to eat here, luck was not on my side. According to the sign on the door, it was "closed for family emergency". Well fuck your family emergency - my pizza emergency trumps your shit any day. I had an hour to waste before class that day, and although the idea of breaking into Goodfellas and handcrafting my own pizza was tempting, I decided to go to Bdobo instead. Yes, I just linked to Bdobo. It's fucking delicious and likely steals all business from the surrounding area.

That aside, I returned to Goodfellas a few days later. It was much bigger on the inside than I anticipated, yet it was completely empty. Perhaps I came at a weird hour, who the hell knows. I was offered a seat and a menu, but I said, "No, fuck you, I just want some god damn cheese pizza." I think I prefer the pizza joints in New York where they reply, "Fuck you too, faggot" and throw the pizza directly at your groin, but I suppose a nice atmosphere and friendly staff shouldn't detract from my rating. I ended up getting two slices of pizza and a drink for $4.99, because a) I'm a ravenous, pizza-starved fatass, and b) $2.50+tax for a single plain slice? Piss off.

I was surprised to see that, unlike the other two establishments I've reviewed, this pizza didn't look like complete and utter shit. Upon handing it to me, the waitress/cashier notified me of her uncertainty as to what was actually in the drink she gave me. I ordered Dr. Pepper, but apparently all their drinks exist in a state of quantum uncertainty until the moment they are consumed. I can only assume I received a lethal mixture of high fructose corn syrup and hydrochloric acid. Thankfully, this was promptly replaced with slightly less dangerous Dr. Pepper. After that - and after the waitress saw me taking pictures of the food and scribbling down notes - she offered me an infinite amount of refills, which I injected straight into my bloodstream, bypassing my stomach, and allowing more room for the pizza to gut-fuck me into oblivion.

But who fucking cares about what I had to drink. The pizza was surprisingly good, and I immediately decided $2.50 for a single slice might actually be worth it, even for a penniless hobo like myself. The slice's most noteworthy quality was the cheese. I have no idea what they use or how they do it, but the cheese tasted of ambrosia-infused godliness. It was as if the Occupy Capt. Falcon's Mouth protest was going on, and I was happily allowing the cheese to riot and form drum circles on my tastebuds. 99% delicious.

Also of note - fairly large slices, perfectly thin crust, and a favorable amount of grease to top it off. After I had finished most of the first slice and the cheese was moshing in my gut, I noticed the rim of the pizza had been somewhat neglected. It wasn't much a problem, though, due to the fact that the crust was quite satisfying. I didn't have the presence of mind to judge the sauce, either because I know nothing about pizza sauce or because I was too busy drooling all over myself. Either way, the sauce must not have been too bad, because I dove into the next slice like a starving Ethiopian child.

I'm so used to Falcon punching my keyboard with flaming fists of rage while writing these reviews that it seems wrong not to slander Goodfellas in some way. They were closed the first time I went there, which I would love to be pissed off about, but really that just shows that they're a family-run business, at least in part. I received the wrong drink, but the waitress soon extinguished my fury by treating me like the ultimate god of pizza. Also, I didn't get crayons and a page from a coloring book like the kids a few tables over, but the waitress metaphorically sucking my dick assuaged any dissatisfaction before it had a chance to fully form.

My only real concern came from the second slice, which had an odd dough-to-cheese ratio. There was a tsunami of cheese atop a paper-thin scaffold, but, being the cheesewhore I am, I wasn't too bothered by that. All in all, shit was pretty good. I'd rank it just below Brooklyn and I <3 NY Pizza, which is something I never anticipated, seeing as Pete usually sends me to the shittiest shit-holes in town. If I'm ever in the area and in the mood for pizza, I'll definitely return to Goodfellas.

As long as Bdobo doesn't lure me away.

2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Goodfellas Pizza - $2.50 + tax
417 South College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

Goodfellas Pizza on Urbanspoon

6Sep/110

Hibachi Grill & Supreme Buffet

Posted by pete

Pizza! At a Chinese buffet! Fuck everything about this! I love it!

Holy shit, a Chinese buffet reviewed on a pizza blog. Fuck you because this is history in the making and you probably don't even realize it. There is no reason for me to review this fucking shit but confronted with pizza at a Chinese buffet I felt a calling not unlike Kevin Costner tripping balls in a cornfield. Avert your gaze, mortals:

Well it was dogshit awful. I guess it's just frozen pizza. I wasted some of my vast, priceless, inordinately sexy stomach space on this trash. And I did it just for you. You don't have to thank me, but you probably should. Tasteless cheese, chewy underdone crust, possibly some sauce in there. I ate this thing so fast I don't even know what else to say about it.

The good news is that the rest of Hibachi Grill's food is really good for the most part. The mac and cheese sucks, though. And the boneless spare ribs suck.  Pretty much everything else was awesome, particularly the Hong Kong chicken. And they have bottles of Sriracha for you to guzzle, which is quite satisfactory.

This place is cheap and awesome. The main problem is that they have no booze. Which makes no sense whatsoever. Booze is more profitable than food, and it fills you up to boot. Booze also happens to be the bee's knees.

Come for the pizza, stay for the Americanized Chinese food.

7.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Hibachi Grill & Supreme Buffet - $6.59 + tax
356 S. College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

Hibachi Grill & Supreme Buffet on Urbanspoon