Mystery Matchup!!
This blog is hitting a new low. A while back, I don't even know how long ago, I bought a couple containment units of pizza at the dollar store. I actually really like that dollar store. It's the one by CiCi's on South College. There's a closer dollar store right near my house, across town from the godly store I'm mentioning, but everything there costs like four dollars. It should be called 4Dollar Store. It's a great scam, I guess.
The worst thing about this review is that I don't even remember what the fucking pizzas are called, and I never took pictures of the packaging. For convenience purposes I will just call one of them French Bread Shitdick and the other one Triple Shitbird Express. The naming scheme may make more sense upon reading the rest of the review (or not). The second worst thing about this review is that I ate this bullshit weeks ago (I think) and my recollections are notoriously vague given such vast spans of time. The best thing about this review is that it's 7a.m. and I'm drinking Beast Ice, again!
French Bread Shitdick (a fucking dollar)
For a dollar I was not entirely offended by this pizza. My girlfriend is nearly blind and in bed and saw the above picture and asked me if I was reviewing dildos or something. Don't I wish. I put my standard accoutrements on here (oregano, crushed red pepper) and cooked it up. I sort of remember that one of the two of these had no oven-instructions, only microwave. I'm looking a little closer at the packaging and it seems this one had oven instructions. Which means Triple Idiot Surprise did not. So there's that.
This is not the best dollar pizza in the world but it's not the worst. It had some flavor and the French bread-ish crust was almost successful, in a dollar store sort of way. Honestly, though, this thing would have better use being thrown at those idiot kids you see skateboarding around convenience stores. I mean, doesn't their trailer park have pavement? Oh yeah, nope.
Triple Farting Flapjack Shutup (It was a dollar, man)
I also forget the name of this shitty product but it proved to me, once and for all, that God is a real fucking jerk. This shit was worse than the other crap above. It didn't taste like anything at all. I just drank a leftover half-can of nightstand beer from last night and it was superior to this triple facefuck of nothingness.
I thought it would be good, too; that's the worst part. I like mini pizzas, I don't know why ... They're fucking cute! I admit it. What could have been a delicious treat turned out to be some seriously stupid crap. Sadly I don't remember what the fuck it was even called so I'll probably buy it again because of how fucking adorable these little bastards are. I buy kittens all the time before realizing I'm allergic and then I just end up throwing them at skateboarding kids of limited means.
Winner: Frenchy Tits Magoo
I'll try to update this bullshit later when I find out what the fuck I even ate.
Update:
Totinos vs Tony’s
I admit it: I've been neglecting this blog. Anyone that's had a blog will admit, in my desperate defense, that neglecting a blog is the best part of having one. Same with having children. The main reason I want to have kids is so that I can lock them up in the car when I go shopping. And no, I won't crack a fucking window. How much oxygen does a kid need anyway? Yeah fuck you, shut up about the heat.
I'm kind of running out of shitty pizzerias to review and it was recommended to me that I ought to review frozen pizza. Personally I thought it was a terrible idea; in fact, I still do. Id rather review my form in throwing this desk across the room; and I damn well may. In any case I bought some really shitty, cheapass pizza recently. I'm not even entirely sure why, I suppose I was drunk.
Here goes literally nothing.
Tony's (about a buck)
Good god was this pizza bad! Wow! I added some oregano and crushed red pepper before baking it and it still tasted of nothing. This pizza is like a black hole of flavor. At least I had a beast ice to back me up. I used to work at a government office in Brunswick for a while and my lunch consisted of 3 beast ice and, well, that job was alright. I also drank a lot of custom-brewed tea while I was there. It was like the half-assed precursor to Four Loko that nature never envisioned. They'd be like: Wassup every computer is down and the servers are sucking hobo dicks in the parking lot. To which I'd respond: You ever drank 3 beast ice and chugged a bottle of Nyquil? Piss off bitch, I've got this.
Edit: I just realized that I was drinking Steel Reserve in those glory days, not beast. Carry on.
My roommate's weird-ass dog keeps coming in here. What the fuck, get out of here. He has no idea how many empty wine bottles I have right fucking here with his name on them. Six. That's how many you dumb fucking dog. Uh anyway Tony's pizza is fucking terrible! It's so bad. That's wassup.
Totinos (about a buck, fuck you)
As you can see, I ran out of beast ice. No matter, double stack the beast non-ice. Okay the gist of it is that Totinos is better than Tony's. Totinos is god-awful. It's straight up terrible. I hate it. It's got a weird flaky bottom and it's just god damn curious. 'Curious' is not a word you want to see used in relation to food, by the way.
Given all of that, Totinos is better. Tony's is just that bad. I guess I'm supposed to offer some kind of legitimate, critical observation. Alright. Tony's is pretty straightforward in that it sorta looks like a pizza. Well newsflash it tastes of nothing and it's fucking your retarded children in a pancake house in hell.
On the other hand, Totinos is weird as all get out, strange as shit, but it actually has some kind of taste so it fucking wins.
Winner: Totinos
Tony’s NY Pizza & Trattoria
There's hope for Leland yet
I fucking love this place. I'll cut to the chase and say that this is not the best pizza reviewed here. I love this place anyway. The space is real big and stupid, not resembling a pizzeria at all. I love this place anyway. There's a formality going on here which I fail to genuinely appreciate. I was hoping Tony's would go the traditional pizzeria route. I may have been praying, I don't know. I knew the space was too big for that purpose, having been to Antonio's in the past, but I still had hope.
The good news is that Tony's is not Antonio's. It's not some generic shit hole serving crappy slices in hell forever. It's a place that very likely serves totally decent Italian-American food that also offers pizza (slices, at that). It's basically a fucking dream. It's like someone shitcanned Antonio's and handed the location over to people that didn't suck dicks for a living. That's basically exactly what happened.
The bad news is that the slice I got wasn't quite what I was expecting. Truth be told I was expecting too much. According to PCF, this place is the result of some serious heavy hitters joining forces: I <3 NY joining forces with Luigi's. I've never eaten at Luigi's, all I know about it is that people said it used to be incredibly good and, according to a friend who worked there, Luigi was Mexican. Is that relevant? I hope not but that's for your racist ass to decide.
I got a fucking slice of pizza:
I sort of hate getting small slices of pizza. Only because I know that a larger slice of pizza doesn't cost the owners much more. We're talking about a matter of cents, or something. That said, this slice wasn't the smallest I've gotten and it was one of the cheapest. So fuck everything I just said. In fact, fuck this entire review.
There is one singular problem with this slice. The crust was far too dry. Overcooked or poor dough formula? I don't know and I'm sick of trying to figure this shit out from afar. Regardless, this was a great slice of pizza. The sauce was great. It was fucking great. The cheese was unassailable. Really the only problem was that the crust was exceptionally dry. It's kind of shocking considering how much regard I have for I <3 NY. Also the last time I went to I <3 NY, the crust was so far from dry that it was terrible. I went there recently and it was fucking sort of shit. Fucking pissed me off. But is wasn't dry.
Maybe I went here with too much expectation. Considering the people running this place I was expecting Tony's to trump all others I've reviewed. But that's kind of unreasonable. They're brand new. Still, they should understand their dough and oven well enough to prepare a better crust than this. Even so, it was quite good. Compared to the place that used to be here, Antonio's, Tony's is fucking light years beyond them. They don't even have any competition in Leland, so they're fucking set. The only thing that gives me pause is the large location and sit-down atmosphere.
Leland is a terrible place, slightly worse than Wilmington. I fucking hate it. If you are ever there I suggest you go to Tony's.
Whiskey.
2 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Tony's NY Pizza & Trattoria - $1.991107 New Point Blvd. Leland, NC 28451
