The best Michaelangelos location is in Carolina Beach. There is no God
Never been here before. Like the other Michaelangelos locations northwards, this location has the same sign, similar decor, same wall ornaments and dispensers, menu, specials, the works. Except I don't think they have the all-you-can-eat lunch special that the one by UNCW offers. However, that special is aneurysm-inducing. It makes no sense to me. It's as if fat kids reinvented Christmas and decided to have it make even less sense than a magical obese furry scooting down billions of chimneys, giving out sack-presents and stealing baked goods. Oh, and Fatty Christmas happens every day.
I wasn't really expecting much when I arrived here. In fact, I had so written off Carolina Beach that I had previously, for the purposes of this blog, decided to ignore the entire area and pretend that pizza didn't exist here. In my defense, Carolina Beach isn't really Wilmington. It will be soon enough though, when the Wilmington Borg feasts upon it and adds it to its fatty outer layers, but that's a tale for a different and terrible day.
Out of fucking nowhere, the weather gods shined upon our section of the world, and I felt like going for a drive. Driving through the hellish innards of Wilmington is akin to Sisyphus' eternal struggle, so I went for a leisurely drive southwards. Spring lasts for exactly 4 days in Wilmington before the terrible, searing, awful heat of summer hits. If there is a perfect time to just leisurely cruise around, this is it.
Upon first glance, I felt like I was looking at your standard Michaelangelos slice. That is to say, a rather basic pizza, vaguely soulless, yet structurally very well-crafted, made from substandard ingredients and recipes:
Fat shitbird that I am, I took a bite before remembering to snap a photo. The slice looks alright for the most part. The rim looks a bit under and floury, and there are a few weirdo craters. Sort of like a zitty pubescent female with an undeveloped understanding of makeup, maybe. I don't know. As shown in this photo, I've added some oregano and crushed red pepper, as is my habit whenever they are made readily available.
The star of the show here is the sauce. This slice has some pretty god damn good sauce. The vaguely-nearby Monkey Junction Michaelangelos may use the same sauce recipe, but their slice was overpowered by a ton of shitty cheese when I went there, so I cannot say for sure. The Carolina Beach sauce was definitely a lot better than the the sauce at the Michaelangelos by UNCW. I also felt that the CB cheese was far above the Monkey Junction location and at least on par with UNCW's. Even Carolina Beach Michaelangelos' crust was better than their brethren (though even here it was clearly the key area which demanded improvement). In every respect this slice at the very least equals the other Michaelangelos locations.
All in all it was a pretty damn good slice of pizza by Wilmington standards, and goddamnit we're talking about Carolina Beach here, which, at the time of day I went, had no other pizza slices for sale fucking anywhere: At the time, this was the only game in town if you wanted a slice of pizza. It's not an outstanding deal at $2.54, but its not shockingly bad either (especially because it's pretty large), plus if you are feeling quite fat, they offer a $4.99+tax small cheese pizza lunch special, or some bullshit. I personally hate the idea of a NY-style joint serving pizzas smaller than 18", but I think even Brooklyn does that now. This is the primary reason that I bemoan our floundering, decrepit economy - even my ever-expanding list of broken bones and other unattended medical issues take second place to the horror of decent pizzerias stooping to such unholy lows as offering personal-size pizzas. It's disgraceful!
The main downside is that the crust, though fairly decent, could be better. I'll just take a moment to bust out my pizza nerd cred and tell these guys to use high gluten flour, for the Pete's sake.
I'm kind of flummoxed and disappointed; I feel like I'm letting my 3 readers down by not blasting this bitch to space like the Russian chimpanzee we all wish it was. Hopefully I'll review some more shitty, gross, mind-fuckingly bad pizza soon, but this shit right here was a pretty good slice!
I woulda eaten another, gladly. In fact, I considered just that.
2 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Michaelangelos Pizza - $2.54
9 South Lake Park Boulevard, Carolina Beach, NC 28428
The middle of the road never looked so good
Right up there is a photo of a stupid damn Volkswagen who trolled the hell out of me and my camera. Well played, sir. Also of note is the pictured deal of a $4.99 all-you-can-eat pizza and pasta lunch special. This place is a shitty fuckface fatso's heaven. Except, I don't really ever remember seeing a bunch of fatsos in here for lunch, just college stoners. I think southern fatsos stick with Golden Corral for $12, or whatever that disgusting bullshit rapes people for every day. Anyway, five bucks for all you can eat pizza and pasta is such a fucking deal and a half, it doesn't even make sense to me and I am a SCIENTIST. Near here there is a CiCi's (warning when you go to this site, a jolly black-sounding guy welcomes you to their shitty site - scratch that, it randomizes different voices of people who welcome you. Fuck the dev that set this up.) which post-dates Michaelangelos by at least a fair margin, and it has a similar deal. I'm never reviewing their shit. They can fuck off inside of a fiery dickfurnace.
As I mentioned in a previous review, I've eaten at this Mike's location a number of times while going to college and doing whatever else I was doing between the ages of 17 and 22 that I can barely remember. Back then, the slice wasn't anything to write home about but it was okay and it was a fair deal, and as far as pizza goes there wasn't much else in the immediate area of campus. When I went to do this review, I was figuring to get a bogus shitbird slice, based on the aforementioned review of the same local chain's location some miles south of here.
Here is the slice I received:
It actually looks a lot like the Monkey Junction slice, except it looks more 'well done,' which is a term that happens to be an example of why the English language is so stupid. I'm not going to look up the history of this term in the Oxford, so don't hold your breath. The strange thing is that this slice beats the slice from Monkey Junction, hands down, even though MJ's slice arguably looks better. As opposed to the MJ's slice, this one tasted pretty good. Above average, in any case, based on Wilmington standards.
The dough recipe seems to be largely the same, except this one didn't have any hint of a foul taste. It had the hint of a flavor, but I think it may have been an hallucinatory aftershock from years past. Overall, the crust was just average. It had the poor, soft texture of an all-purpose flour dough formula. But what are you gonna do, cry about it? That's what I'm for. I cry for the shit you don't even think about. I'm motherfucking pizza Jesus, you assholes. As a side note, some years ago I officially confirmed their use of all-purpose flour. With them. Big time. It's kind of shameful, really! Oh well. At the end of the day, their crust simply serves as a vessel to relay cheese and sauce into many fat fuckers' faces. And for most people, that's just fucking great. And most people throw the rim of their crust away accordingly. This is, after all, America: the land where the best fork is a disposable fork made of crappy dough that you could eat if you wanted to, should you be feeling particularly obese at the moment.
The sauce was okay. At times there was too much, but not to a super-disagreeable degree. The cheese was probably above average. It was far above the Monkey Junction location. I won't bother trying to explain this because I don't fucking know why. Maybe I sucked too many shit-covered dicks the previous night and my palate had become diminished, who is to say? Overall, this was a fairly reasonable slice. It was a bit bigger than the other location and it was better in literally every way. A foul could be called on me should their ingredients and recipes be identical, which may well be the case. It wouldn't really matter, though, should it be found that Emmanuel pisses on every ingredient at the other location. I'm not saying he does. But think of it, that would be a story right there.
4 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403
I'd love to wear a rainbow every day, and tell the world that everything's okay
Jesus, fuck. I was pretty sure my day, from a culinary perspective, had hit its low after I vomited up all of my (rather bad) lunch. How wrong I was. I just got back from going to Michaelangelos on South College, or some-fucking-where. I don't give a shit where it was. I also went to the new Slice of Life on South College, which I will post about next. These two stupid piece of shit establishments have double-handedly shaken my belief in Pizza. Being that I have no god, I try to hold onto what little I do believe in, and I take this shit seriously.
I used to go to the Michaelangelos (also, ever heard of an apostrophe you shitbirds?) off Eastwood sometimes during my college days at UNCW. All you can eat for 5 bucks? Alright, I'll eat that shit. And the pizza was, I thought, pretty good. I probably never had a fucking plain slice there, though, come to think of it. I remember one particular occasion where I took far too much LSD and was out of my fucking skull for 18 or 20 or some stupid number of hours, dry heaving like a maniac and quite concerned that if I wasn't already, I'd probably be dead soon. Then a friend took me to Michaelangelos and the beach, and I was cured. So even though this place is basically my savior, Michaelangelos can eat shit in hell forever. Just like Jesus Christ.
The crust was weirdly soft and sort of dense, had no character, sucked balls, had a bit of a foul taste. The cheese seemed bland at first but then I ran into globs and globs of it and realized that it was fucking gross. I don't know if there was sauce on here and I don't care. Maybe the sauce was good, but I couldn't even taste it, so I don't care. In all likelihood it was probably very gross too, for balance and consistency. And this thing cost $2.54, which is a scam. Get the fuck outta here. If I come there during lunch you guys are gonna charge me $5 for as much gross horseshit as I can stuff down my gullet, but this one terrible slice costs half that? A plain slice should be two dollars in this area, unless it's very good. Since this slice was very bad it should be under two dollars.
Avoid this fucking place. Hell, avoid Monkey Junction altogether.
Somehow Slice of Life was worse than this. Sort of.
6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 5617 Carolina Beach Road Unit 110, Wilmington, NC 28409