What the fuck did I really just enjoy Brixx
I went to Brixx with my liquorlunch cohort the other day, mostly because I'm a fucking pizza weirdo who is trying to eat at every joint in town, but also because on Mondays all their draft pints are $2.50. And they have some pretty good beer! Of the four pints I had, the last three were Victory Hop Wallop. Now that's a fucking beer. This beer is so damn delicious that when I came back to Brixx because I forgot to take an exterior picture for this blog entry, the only thing I accomplished was drinking two more Hop Wallops. I guess I'll just have to go back next Monday and drink more beer and again forget to take an exterior picture.
So, obviously I love their beer selection and their Monday beer special. I already kind of knew I would before coming here, because I just love beer. Like a lot. I was not expecting to love or even like the pizza. Their menu does not seem to include a basic cheese pizza, which I think is weird. They offer some sort of excuse for a margherita pizza, but it looked really stupid. No place in town even seems to know what a fucking margherita pizza is (see Kornerstone, Osteria Cicchetti). Here's what the Brixx margherita looks like according to their website:
That's just stupid. Fuck it, that's not the point anyway. I figured I'd get around the lack of a real cheese pizza by ordering a Wood-roasted vegetable pizza with the toppings removed on one half of the pie. Half cheese, half veg. I did this because the vegetable pizza is cheap (comparatively, at $9). Apparently only putting toppings on half the pizza is quite a bit of extra work because I was charged $11 for a "half and half" pizza. That's pretty fucky in my book. Maybe the menu warns you of this but I was too beerblasted to notice or care. I wonder if I can just get a cheese pizza next time. It would probably cost me an arm and a leg.
The $11 pizza:
As soon as I came out I thought, "shit this looks good." Yeah, the toppings look alright I guess, but the cheese side was what caused my instantaneous salivation. I could tell the cheese was going to be phenomenal upon first glance, and the pie didn't look oversauced. The crust, which I had previously assumed would be horseshit, looked alright. I could tell that me and my compatriot were going to be fighting over the cheese half (we only ordered one pie; we came here for the beer, you morans).
The cheese slices were so damn good I busted out a fucking knife and cut one of the slices in half so we each ended up having 1.5 slices of that shit. The veg side was good, no complaints at all, but the cheese side was glorious. Mostly this had to do with the actual cheese used, which is apparently Grande mozzarella. All pizzerias should use this product. I want make a little hat out of it and wear it around and eat little bits off of it all day long. I want to have my girlfriend chew up a bunch of it and feed it to me like I'm a baby bird.
I'm sorry. I got carried away. Deep breath. Okay. The rest of this pizza was alright. The sauce was good. It was sort of mild, a bit tangy or some shit. It was definitely not pasty or overspiced, which makes it probably one of the best sauces in this shitty town, pizza-wise. The crust was okay. I have to take points off for their overuse of flour or something on the bottom of the pie, but it was not that big of a detraction, really. I think that damn ubercheese might still be clouding my already questionable judgement.
I wanted to loathe this place as much as you wanted me to write one of my typical hate-fueled blog entries. So again I must apologize. I must also apologize to my father who has spoken many-a-time of his love for Brixx pizza. I told him he was a doddering old fool because there was no way in hell that this place was anything but utter goddamn shit. As it turns out, I like Brixx. Is it some weird chain's version of an amalgam of Neapolitan and New York-style pizza? Yes. Is it flawed? Yes. Is it good? Yes it is, motherfucker, did you even read this review?
I got paid over 9000 beers for this review.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)9-11 ducks 6801 Main Street, Wilmington, NC 28405
If you buy the pizza here, you can't blame me
Osteria Cicchetti is Italian for Upside-down Omelette. Your guess is as good as mine as far as why they named their restaurant this. I went here with some family members for lunch to celebrate our grandmother's birthday. This place seems pretty ritzy in the same sort of way Housewives of Herpes County seems ritzy. Actually, fuck it, it was a pretty nice place overall, even if it's located in a terrible nouveau riche dickhole of a stripmall. Astonishingly, all the food (at least at lunch) is pretty cheap, most items under $9. The pizza was $8. I wasn't expecting much and what I got was not what I was expecting. Which is not to say that what I got was good; it was just much different from my expectations.
I was expecting your standard-ish looking American attempt at a classic Neapolitan Margherita pie: an attempt at a thin, round crust, allegedly cooked in a "wood burning" "artisan" oven, some crummy "fresh" mozzarella and some crummy "fresh" basil with a passable sauce. This would have probably been pretty shitty, like the pie I once got at Kornerstone (which I will try to review before they eventually close down). Instead what I got was this rather strange-looking, oblong bastard:
Maybe in some shitty part of Italy, this is what a Margherita pizza looks like. In Naples, it looks like this. I was expecting some Americanized/bastardized version of the pizza pictured in that link. The pizza pictured above - what I got - I don't know what the fuck this shit is. I don't even know where the hell to start. I guess bottoms up, in honor of the liquor I'll soon be chugging in order to forget about the gastric cheesebaby Osteria Cicchetti fucked into me.
The crust was probably the worst part about this shit. It was real thin and airy, which is normally probably a good thing, but it was overcooked to shit, brittle as hell and covered on the bottom in cornmeal or something, and on the top with some other bullshit. The craziest thing, the thing that made me question reality, is that it seemed like this pizza's crust was the same shit that they just served us before our meal, in a bread basket. They serve you this delicious bread and this tasty, unleavened sorta-flaky, crispy something-or-other stuff. I think the dough of this pizza is the same shit except maybe thicker and just overcooked to hell, like if Satan were making a pizza but forgot he was in hell, so it got really fucked up but he served it to you anyway, because you're in hell so fuck you. I think it had the same strange spice glaze-y sorta shit on it too. This crap was alright as a pre-meal snack but newsflash: nowhere does this qualify as a fucking pizza crust. Not even in a terrible stripmall.
The sauce. Was there sauce on here? I guess there was, but fuck me look at all that cheese. It tasted pretty good but there was so much of it, so goddamn clusterfuck much of it that it was just a solid, idiotic mass. Mozzarella is a pretty cool cheese because when it' s hot it gets all elastic-y. It stretches and shit. This didn't. It was like biting into a Silly Putty (don't do it, it's gross). But it tasted good so fuck it I ate that whole fucking slab of cheese and I'm not ashamed. The basil was fine and I think there was some nice olive oil on there, which is cool. I don't know what these tomatoes were doing on there but they were okay too.
This pizza is sort of beyond the scope of this blog, except that scopes can fuck off, and so can this pizza. This blog can fuck off too, because the other food items at the table looked pretty dank and I forced myself to order and eat this romper room bullshit instead.
Happy birthday Gram!
Yes I know that it doesn't mean 'upside down omelette.' What's an upside-down omelette anyway? It's still a fuckin omelette.
6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Osteria Cicchetti - $8.64 1125-K Military Cutoff Rd. Wilmington, NC 28405