Hey you jerks! I've had some pizza lately but it was Papa Johns, mostly, and you all know what that stuff tastes like. It makes me want to jump up inside my own butthole, but, then again, what doesn't make me want to jump up there? There's always a party goin' on up there! Okay, down to the beeswax.
First off, it seems Goodfellas closed. I can't say I'm surprised, considering the mismanagement, crummy staff, lack of food consistency, et cetera. I can say that I'm kind of sad, however. I had hopes that they would get their act together, eventually. Oh well, I guess it's time for someone else to open a giant wacky failure of a pizzeria in that location.
Also, I wrote another review at liquorlunch, out of sheer boredom. Not much left to post here on my own site except Terrazzo and maybe a couple other random shitholes in town and perhaps abroad, so I might write a little bit over there instead.
ed. note: The original review for this establishment is a fart in the wind, I got this jerk to re-review for me. - Pete
I found the old review. God bless backups. I'll keep this one around to show how hit-or-miss this wacky-ass place can be. - Pete
Goodfellas Pizza is located in the University Landing area. The first time I attempted to eat here, luck was not on my side. According to the sign on the door, it was "closed for family emergency". Well fuck your family emergency - my pizza emergency trumps your shit any day. I had an hour to waste before class that day, and although the idea of breaking into Goodfellas and handcrafting my own pizza was tempting, I decided to go to Bdobo instead. Yes, I just linked to Bdobo. It's fucking delicious and likely steals all business from the surrounding area.
That aside, I returned to Goodfellas a few days later. It was much bigger on the inside than I anticipated, yet it was completely empty. Perhaps I came at a weird hour, who the hell knows. I was offered a seat and a menu, but I said, "No, fuck you, I just want some god damn cheese pizza." I think I prefer the pizza joints in New York where they reply, "Fuck you too, faggot" and throw the pizza directly at your groin, but I suppose a nice atmosphere and friendly staff shouldn't detract from my rating. I ended up getting two slices of pizza and a drink for $4.99, because a) I'm a ravenous, pizza-starved fatass, and b) $2.50+tax for a single plain slice? Piss off.
I was surprised to see that, unlike the other two establishments I've reviewed, this pizza didn't look like complete and utter shit. Upon handing it to me, the waitress/cashier notified me of her uncertainty as to what was actually in the drink she gave me. I ordered Dr. Pepper, but apparently all their drinks exist in a state of quantum uncertainty until the moment they are consumed. I can only assume I received a lethal mixture of high fructose corn syrup and hydrochloric acid. Thankfully, this was promptly replaced with slightly less dangerous Dr. Pepper. After that - and after the waitress saw me taking pictures of the food and scribbling down notes - she offered me an infinite amount of refills, which I injected straight into my bloodstream, bypassing my stomach, and allowing more room for the pizza to gut-fuck me into oblivion.
But who fucking cares about what I had to drink. The pizza was surprisingly good, and I immediately decided $2.50 for a single slice might actually be worth it, even for a penniless hobo like myself. The slice's most noteworthy quality was the cheese. I have no idea what they use or how they do it, but the cheese tasted of ambrosia-infused godliness. It was as if the Occupy Capt. Falcon's Mouth protest was going on, and I was happily allowing the cheese to riot and form drum circles on my tastebuds. 99% delicious.
Also of note - fairly large slices, perfectly thin crust, and a favorable amount of grease to top it off. After I had finished most of the first slice and the cheese was moshing in my gut, I noticed the rim of the pizza had been somewhat neglected. It wasn't much a problem, though, due to the fact that the crust was quite satisfying. I didn't have the presence of mind to judge the sauce, either because I know nothing about pizza sauce or because I was too busy drooling all over myself. Either way, the sauce must not have been too bad, because I dove into the next slice like a starving Ethiopian child.
I'm so used to Falcon punching my keyboard with flaming fists of rage while writing these reviews that it seems wrong not to slander Goodfellas in some way. They were closed the first time I went there, which I would love to be pissed off about, but really that just shows that they're a family-run business, at least in part. I received the wrong drink, but the waitress soon extinguished my fury by treating me like the ultimate god of pizza. Also, I didn't get crayons and a page from a coloring book like the kids a few tables over, but the waitress metaphorically sucking my dick assuaged any dissatisfaction before it had a chance to fully form.
My only real concern came from the second slice, which had an odd dough-to-cheese ratio. There was a tsunami of cheese atop a paper-thin scaffold, but, being the cheesewhore I am, I wasn't too bothered by that. All in all, shit was pretty good. I'd rank it just below Brooklyn and I <3 NY Pizza, which is something I never anticipated, seeing as Pete usually sends me to the shittiest shit-holes in town. If I'm ever in the area and in the mood for pizza, I'll definitely return to Goodfellas.
As long as Bdobo doesn't lure me away.
2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Goodfellas Pizza - $2.50 + tax
417 South College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403
This place took over from the S. College location of Krazy Pizza. Wow that pizza was shitty. I remember my little sister won a free pizza from here or something and instead of consuming it she just threw it at a hobo, square in the face. Thankfully, Goodfellas' pizza was better than the old Krazy's. Maybe. I don't fucking know. I think I ate at the old Krazy establishment once and it was awful but it was probably seven or more years ago.
Regardless, I was hoping this place would be really great. I have high hopes for new places, I really do. Apparently everyone that read my Pizzetta's review thinks I'm a terrible whirlwind of illiterate, unpalated, diseased ineptitude. Luckily for me, I'm pretty sure everyone that commented thusly either has a stake in the place or is long on chromosomes. So I came to Goodfellas hoping to have a great god damn slice; hoping to be able to rave about a new establishment in a shitty town full of assholes eating shitty, filthy shit. Instead I went into a giant and empty weirdo pizzeria. It was like 7 or 7:30 p.m. and there was literally no one in here besides 2 pizza cooks and a girl behind the register. And this place is huge. And they're like a tenth of a mile from UNCW. And they serve cheep beer. At this point, I knew I was fucked.
And then I knew I was super fucked when I walked in, because this is strictly a waitressed establishment. And when I say strictly, I don't mean strictly. I don't know what I mean. Maybe the girl behind the counter was just really bored with sitting behind the counter for hours and demanded to wait on me as though I wanted something besides a fucking slice of pizza in a shitty hole-in-the-wall pizzeria. More than likely they're trying to force a sit-down atmosphere in a cheapo college area. It worked I guess because instead of a slice I got 2 slices, a drink and left a tip. Fuck it, I've already gone off on a tangent, I'm gonna go off on another: This shopping center simply can't handle all these businesses, parking-wise. Bdobo alone could fill up the entire parking lot of this place, and they deserve to be able to do so cuz that place is awesome. Throw in a Japanese place, a couple bars, a pizzeria, a bunch of clothing places, a college book store, an adult store, a video game store, all the other shit that is there and, well, everything is fucked. Sorry.
But, thankfully (in a sense), this place is fucked for other, more pertinent, reasons. I was disheartened to have to shell out extra money for a waitress, but she was very nice and particularly attractive, if I may stoop so low to say so. I didn't mind putting a dollar or two in her tip jar. But fuck me the pizza was really, really crummy.
Looks pretty terrible, but let's keep an open mind. Don't bother, it sucked. Too much sauce and the sauce was fucked. It was way overspiced, overcooked and likely even burnt. I only say likely because I found, later on, a number of burnt, crunchy mystery morsels embedded in the bottom of my crust. Way gross. I can't be entirely sure if the sauce itself was burnt but I think it was, and regardless, I know that the whole fucking slice tasted burnt so what's the difference. I don't think the cheese tasted like fuck-all, but honestly I cannot attest to it because my mouth just had this terrible char flavor the entire time. The crust was both overly soft and had sort of a nice crunch. The only explanation is the use or overuse of dough conditioner. As an aside, the crust's flavor didn't exist. It was like a black hole of 'fuck you.' If you are wondering how I knew this since everything tasted burnt, I fucking ate a bite out of the rim right off gates, so fuck you. Also, the slice on the right's rim looks like someone mangled it with their thumb. Check it out. Fuck that.
I'd like to give this place some tips (not that they'll read this or care), but I can't. You have to start from scratch as far as the pizza goes. The good news is that you are in good company. This town is shit. The bad news is that you are near the campus. Living amongst parent-funded stoners, you have to be either good, or cheap. You are basically fucking neither. You won't last and I don't care. And yes, that is the fucking bourbon talking.
God save good pizza.
6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Update 7/29/2011 - I've been here since then and the pizza didn't taste like burnt shit. It was actually completely different from the slices previously reviewed. Didn't even seem remotely similar.