I randomly had to go to Kohl's recently so I decided to check in on Michaelangelos Pizza. I kind of hate that name. I'm still not sure if I spelled it properly. Just call yourself Mike's Pizza and fuck off I've got work to do. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aside, and the artist guy (I guess), this name can fuck right off. It's got like at least a thousand letters. I think they bought a double-occupancy space in this strip mall just to accommodate their sign.
The last time I reviewed this place I gave them a generous 4 stars, or recircs, or whatever these flippy little arrow things are. Less is better, I think. The slice I got last time was a reheat. The one I got this time was freshly served out of the oven. AND IT WAS WORSE. That's a bad thing. It's a terrible sign.
As far as pizza goes, the best pizza is usually fresh out of the oven. On the other hand, if you eat cold pizza and it's awesome, that generally means the pizza is exceptional. Example: Brooklyn.
If you eat cold, then reheated pizza which is better than fresh pizza from the same shop, you know shit is fucky.
This slice was loaded up with sauce. The sauce was okay. The cheese was clearly some bland low-moisture, low-fat shit. Crummy. The crust was bad. It had a sweetness which is not what you are looking for, right? This isn't dessert. It was cooked on a screen. Lazy. Fuck this shit. I won't change their rating, though. Just make sure you ask for an old, shitty, reheated slice and preferably get as many toppings as possible, to hide how bad the crust and cheese are.Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403
You done improved, son (while increasing your price $.25)
My previous review of Uncle Louie's can be found here: here, this is the link click this. As with most of my reviews, I was met with a bit of vitriol. Some kind soul named Sarah (I'm intentionally misspelling your name) decided to assert that I am "definitely a pathetic excuse for a human being." Oh lawdy! That must have been a good review I should probably re-read it but I shall not.
If you look at my past review's comment section and can somehow see beyond Sarah's flabby, maltreated cunt, you will see that a guy named Rocky invited me back to try an updated slice. His writing ability is definitely suspect but he seemed sincere so I decided to check in recently. I had a fresh $180 in fantasy football winnings burning a hole in my pocket and a crummy cooling system burning a hole in my car.
Below we have the old slice followed by the new slice:
If nothing else, we can be sure that we are dealing with completely different beasts here. In the first slice we are clearly dealing with underdone crust and the rest of the package looks pretty good. In the second picture we see a properly-cooked crust with a weird rim, a mass of cheese, and a potential over-saucing of the pie.
While I immediately take issue when a pizza maker takes it upon himself to create an artificial rim-job (heh heh), it's not the end of the world. However, just stop doing this. I don't even want to picture how this weird demarcation line is created on every pizza pie. It hurts my bones.
The slice looks like it might be oversauced but it really wasn't. Except, perhaps, near the rim of the crust. However, I was entirely okay with this because the pizza sauce was REALLY GOOD. I really liked it, two thumbs up, et cetera.
The problem with this slice is the cheese and basically there's just too much of it. In one sense - the fatty sense - you're kind of getting your money's worth. You're paying $2.75 for a cheese slice and it is a BIG SLICE, one of the biggest in town (their menu says an XL is 18" but this looked to be cut out of a 20"+ or maybe I'm nuts). This slice, however, is not easily fold-and-eatable, due to the very thin crust and over-abundance of cheese. You have to baby it to make sure it just doesn't flop into a pile of cheese on the plate. A lot of people will love this and I implore them to patronize Uncle Louie's because it is right up your alley. Personally, I woulda been happier with about 50% of the cheese. In terms of quality the cheese seemed okay but probably a degradation from last time.
In a perfect world, this review would silence my shitty critics. However, it is more likely that going from a 4.5 review to a 3 review will only engender pure fanatical hatred that I didn't give this place a perfect score. A score of 3 on this blog puts you in the upper echelon, now suck my dick.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Uncle Louie's Pizza Lounge - $2.75 + tax 3224 Suite F North College Road, Wilmington, NC 28405
This is gonna be a short post. I just want to let you know that Pizza Hut Pan Pizza SUCKS! I know, I'm a pizza snob so of course I think that Pizza Hut sucks. But at some point in the past 20 years Pizza Hut's pan-style offering has gone to complete shit. Hell, even Domino's pan crap is far superior to Pizza Hut, which is a ludicrous bunch of shit if you ask me.
Clearly not pan-formed. No awesome to-the-edge-cheese burnt crustiness. Nothing good in this world, God hates you and he always has, deal with it, Pizza Hut sucks. Toppings seemed liberally applied though and the jalapenos were classically awesome (always my favorite PH topping even as a small child).
The first time I ate Domino's was on a trip to Jersey as a child. We went to a mall specifically to get Domino's because it was my dad's friend's favorite pizza. Me and my brother pretended to eat it but spit it into napkins on the sly. On the other hand, we used to occasionally take trips to Pizza Hut and man I loved their pan pizza. On the off chance that my basketball team won a game, my dad would take us all out to Pizza Hut and I would get a personal pan pizza with jalapenos. If we lost, we were all summarily beaten with a gilded belt.
Nowadays, Pizza Hut pan pizza resembles Dominos regular pizza of yore and Domino's pan pizza fairly closely resembles old school Pizza Hut pan pizza. It doesn't make sense, my childhood is a lie and check this out: FUCK YOU, PIZZA HUT!
p.s. I should mention that my memories might be in relation to the personal pan pizzas, which might still be awesome to this day. I really have no idea. I just wanted to write a post about pizza, my girlfriend bought this recently, and it sucked a lot.
p.p.s. The breadsticks are still awesome in their old-school pizza-hutty way. Or at least that's how it seems to this old bird.
This ain't no hamburger
I went to my brother's house in Leland recently and he said "I'm getting In-n-Out for lunch," and I said, "no you're not, you prostitute." For the impossibly uninformed, In-n-Out is the best burger chain on the west coast. It kind of resembles Cook-out insofar as they like dashes in their names, they make good burgers for cheap, and they print Christian bullshit on their products. Another similarity is that neither of them sell goddamn pizza.
I remember Paul Stephen of the Star News mentioning the Princess Pizza guys would be opening this place. I would link to the article/blog post but the Star News site is still, inexplicably, locked behind a paywall. Anyhow, I guess the gents from Princess Pizza figured the name In-n-Out worked for an entire half of America, it oughta work for them, too. The name 'Princess Pizza' sure as fuck didn't work. What the fuck do I do at a place called Princess Pizza, play dress-up alongside my dollies and eat crumpets with my tea? Anyway this new joint is called In-n-Out and they serve pizza in Leland.
Three years ago I reviewed Princess Pizza in downtown Wilmington. They got one of the worst ratings I've ever given out: 7/8 recircs. "The sixth worst pizza in Wilmington" is not something they ever felt inclined to print on their pizza boxes, apparently. I bring this up because, man, I was not expecting to like In-n-Out's pizza, in any way, shape, or form.
My initial impression was that it looked like an amalgam of Papa Johns and NY-style pizza. The crust looked a bit poofy and soft in the faggotiest of ways. The cheese looked a bit overdone. But it had promise. It definitely looked better than the Princess garbage I've had in the past and at $9.99 for an 18", the opening of this pizza box held my interest.
The star here is the cheese. I assume it is Grande, but I'm not sure. It tastes like the cheese you get on every pizza that has ever knocked your socks off. Normally I'm not a cheese fiend but this is an exception. That is partly because the rest of the pizza was markedly crummier than the cheese. The sauce was alright. No complaints but no great compliments either. It wasn't a pasty, overspiced and overcooked mess but it wasn't great, either. Probably above average in terms of local pizzerias, though.
The problem with this pizza is with the dough. And it's not even really the formulation of the dough, because in a lot of ways it is pretty good. It seemed properly salted and the consistency was alright. The big problem is that they cook their pizzas on screens. This resulted in the cheese burning on top and the bottom of the pizza being whiter than my fat ass. If they cooked this thing directly on the deck it would be really, really, really good. Instead, it's just pretty good.
Man up, gents. Pizza peels might seem scary at first but you bitches can do it. I know you can. Contrary to what the pizzeria failures in this review's comments say, real pizza is never cooked on a screen. That's childish shit. Man the fuck up.
Also, what's the deal with turkey substitutes for pork products? I think these guys are Muslim. I don't mean that in mean/jokey way, I think they are. But c'mon guys. It's just a fuckin' pig. And I'm a fucking American let me eat dem pigs.
3 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)In-n-Out Pizza & Subs - $9.99 (18" pie) / $1.99 (slice)
1735 Reed Rd., Leland, NC 28451
Prepare for a glowing review
As I approach my fifteenth year in this crumby city, I presently give pause to recollect. To be clear, I'm not approaching my fifteenth birthday. Double it, in fact. In two and a half months I will officially become an old geezer. Today I give test to my questionable wits and my ever-faulty memory as I harken back to my previous visit to Terrazzo, ages ago. I remember it being maybe one third the size of its present, spawling nightclubby self. I remember some stools and some rounded tiny tables and I remember feeling cramped. The Terrazzo of present is a far different affair. This is either due to my shitty memory or due to expansion on their part.
Here we see what I've been avoiding all this time. Since starting this blog over nine-thousand years ago, I've avoided Terrazzo. Initially it was because I hated their website and I was pretty sure that the only thing they would be willing to serve me was caviar pizza doused in gold-flecked elf blood gilded with endangered spider monkey urethra crispies. I don't even remember seeing the option of ordering, on their flipping menu, a god dang cheese pizza. Thankfully their menu now makes sense, except that it doesn't specify prices, which is the other thing I was worried about.
Also my girlfriend said she likes their pizza and she has terrible taste in everything. For example, me.
However, Terrazzo has always been a glaring hole in my grand pizza-reviewing masterpiece. After all, they are a pizzeria:
And they soundly proved that fact. These good folk make a very good NY-style pizza. I'm not, however, super-soaker-stoked about the prices they charge (a 14" pie is in line with what other places charge for an 18" pie). The pizza itself, however, is mostly without fault. The crust is, hey, crusty. It's not airy, it has a good bite to it, it has substance, it is very thin and yet it grants more than adequate structure. It's not fucking fried in grease and it's not cooked on a fucking pan. It's a god damn pizza. This pizza should be the friggen baseline. Why can't everyone make this? It's not fucking rocket science. It's a fucking pizza.
So I loved the crust. Only criticism is that there wasn't much of a crumb to the crust. Which is to say it say it could have had some kind of yeasty poof to it. That's probably the faggotyest thing I'll say in my life and I'm okay with that.
The sauce reminded me of a can of crushed tomatoes, reduced and minimally spiced. Which is what pizza sauce is supposed to be. It was applied with care and in proportion to the rest of the pie.
The cheese was good. They clearly don't try to skimp on their pizza products. It was neither over- nor under-applied. Added to the top of said cheese was some oregano.
The simplest pizza in the world. Easy as pie.
1 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
1319 Military Cutoff Rd Wilmington, NC 28405
I was just updating the Listing page and man has shit changed in recent time-units. Starting from the bottom:
Shit never mind I think they're still around for some reason. After driving by this place, however, I'm fairly convinced that Avanti is now a fucking Waffle House. It might come as an absolute and incomparable shocker but whenever a pizzeria starts serving breakfast maybe their pizza is trash and no one wants to fucking buy it. Disclosure: I only vaguely remember seeing some shit about them serving breakfast advertised on the side of the road.
Sbarro is, thankfully, DEAD. It was replaced by ...
Scotto Pizza, which, as the lordly lords of fate have willed it HAS ALSO FUCKING PERISHED. It's a shame about Scotto Pizza because I fucking liked their pizza. I think I did, anyway; check out the review and let me know because I sure as fuck don't want to read it. Notwithstanding anything I may have said let me make this much clear: that was good mall pizza.
Nino's of Eastwood/Market
This shit is for real dead now. There was a Nino's in Wrightsboro. That shit is dead. There was a Nino's at Eastwood and Market and that shit is REALLY DEAD. Let me quickly add a special fuck you to you guys, even if you did run the original Wrightstboro outfit. You simultaneously said that you used subpar ingredients in a pinch while saying that the recipe was the same. After reading the comments HERE, please join me in a communal Hey fuck you. You guys are fucking loons. Oh yeah then you have some Amore douchers pretending like they're the original Nino's (THIS ISN'T THEM) as well as ...
This place (ALSO NOT THEM) is now Nino's. No. Fuck me. It's Amore. And Nino's in Wrightsboro, that is also Amore. But they serve different pizza and they don't seem to share any sort of branding. But THIS REALLY ALL MAKES SENSE, TRUST ME. By the way, the pizza isn't similar as far as I remember except that it FUCKING SUCKS COMPARED TO THE ORIGINAL NINO'S of Wrightsboro.
Nino's of Wrightsboro
Already mentioned but just a special shoutout to the original Nino's in Wrightsboro. This was pizza made by people that gave a shit. It wasn't a gimmick shitstain. Long live Nino's. I don't know what happened to "Nino" but it must have been a conglomeration of horrific rapes because I can't even begin to understand someone who operates a respectable pizzeria and then goes on to blow goats in parking lots for jitneys.
Alas, poor Tony! What a bummer to see this one slip away. I only learned this via the illustrious Paul Stephen of the Star News. Apparently they closed in April. I wish they had consulted me I would have told them that the location is misplaced and too-large. What a great slice, though!
There you have it. A lot of deaths recently in the local pizza world. A few out there might blame a poor sap like me. In all fairness, though, I'm just the kindly-yet-bored gent who has nothing better to do than post sticky-notes on vending machines saying 'The fritos are 2 years out of date, eat at own risk.' Because, let's all be honest, pizza is a simple product and if you can't do it maybe it's okay that I verbalize it in the form of progressively more vulgar rooftops-shouts from the heights of The Internets?
Brooklyn Sal's Famous Pizza
Oh yeah, Sal's closed down too. Wow, that bullshit lasted approximately no time whatsoever. Now he is down in Carolina Beach trying to pawn his shitty 'famous' pizza off on the yokels. FUCK YOU SAL!