Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

23May/113

Gumby’s Pizza

Thanks for shitting on my childhood, jerkbags

I had no plans to review this place. I've been here once before almost a decade ago and even though I was probably stoned to oblivion I still knew I was eating garbage. But it seems a certain, small, deviant minority of Wilmington gets a kick out of these reviews and since I can still afford the gut rot whiskey it takes to write them, I figured I owed it to my readers to shit down Gumby's throat. Hell, they're more of a pizzeria than some of the places I've reviewed. I think.

Well I got there at almost 6 p.m. expecting to pick up a pie and wonder of wonders, the fucking oven has been fucking off and my pizza has just been sitting in a cold oven. I mean if you open at 6 p.m. maybe that's almost excusable but they allegedly open at 4 p.m. Luckily I didn't care that much since it afforded me the opportunity to walk over and buy some Big Flats 1901, which I had been meaning to try. But it was still a telling sign, you know?

The pizza:

This is the smallest amount of pizza from Gumby's that I could get (as far as I could tell) and if you've read my terrible reviews you know that I'm always in favor of slices - the cheaper the better. Well shit I'm about to go off-topic again out of nowhere:

I don't understand the interior of this place. They've got a door for an employee's restroom (red/brown one on the left in the uppermost picture) and a mystery door in the back, and a sign on the front door that says "no public restrooms." I usually take that to mean no hobos are allowed to shit here, but I'm not convinced in this case. Are customers even allowed to eat in here? What are all those chairs for, people waiting? I don't know man this place is weird but if they allow people to sit down and eat they should sell slices. I think it would be in their best interest. They should also allow people to shit.

Fuck that misplaced and terrible aside I'm now going to talk about the pizza. Shit tasted like Domino's. Or maybe an amalgam of Pizza Hut and Domino's. Regardless, just skip this fucking place and eat at one of the national chains if you're craving crummy, crappy, generic pizza. Go to Gumby's and get a small 1-topping special for $5 or go to Domino's and get a large 2-topping special for $6. Same shit, different size and price. Totally your call.

As crummy as I found this pizza, I seem to find it difficult to rate. Part of me wants to shit on it for being a replica of chain garbage. Then again well-made chain garbage is better than poorly-made faux-NY style pizza. And for chain garbage it was done fairly well despite the oven kinks, which I felt compelled to mention but can't take much off for. It's in fact going to rank a tad worse than the nearby and new  Wilmington's House of Pizza, only because they were both going for the same style pizza and Gumby's came up a bit short by comparison. As an aside, the style of pizza I just referred to is called "American." Said nomenclature makes me want to rig up a tube and vomit into my own ass.

I'd like to go on record as saying that I love Gumby. The character. That fly green mofo with the horse. Baddest dude made out of clay ever, as far as I know.

I think I ate most of it anyway, in a period of overwhelming self-loathing.

6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Gumby's Pizza - $5.39
1414 S College Rd # 105  Wilmington, NC 28403

Gumby's on Urbanspoon

Posted by pete

Comments (3) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Hilarious review! I used to work here (actually, sad to say I worked there for 2.5 years) and I have to agree with most of your statements but point out your GRAVE ERROR: The left door above is not a bathroom, but the entrance to the kitchen, and the “mystery door” is the bathroom; not that anybody gives a shit, because there are no public restrooms…GET IT? The owner’s a fucking nut, sucks at running a business (no advertising, constantly decreases dough sizes, takes coupons she creates only at her discretion with all manner of arbitrary terms & conditions based on her mood, steals tips from cooks, et cetera), but I think your post ascertained that pretty well.

  2. Thank you for reviewing this joint. I cant believe I have lived here this long and never tried Gumbys. The biggest reason I never tried was because of their fucked up hours of operation. Its always a bad sign when you cant afford to stay open but a few weird ass hours a day or only certain days. So I never pursued them much, and can scratch them off my list after reading your review and seeing the pic of a sickly looking pie. Where is the crust rim? Looks like a prefab crust.


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