Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

25Mar/115

Michaelangelos Pizza

The best Michaelangelos location is in Carolina Beach. There is no God

Never been here before. Like the other Michaelangelos locations northwards, this location has the same sign, similar decor, same wall ornaments and dispensers, menu, specials, the works. Except I don't think they have the all-you-can-eat lunch special that the one by UNCW offers. However, that special is aneurysm-inducing. It makes no sense to me. It's as if fat kids reinvented Christmas and decided to have it make even less sense than a magical obese furry scooting down billions of chimneys, giving out sack-presents and stealing baked goods. Oh, and Fatty Christmas happens every day.

I wasn't really expecting much when I arrived here. In fact, I had so written off Carolina Beach that I had previously, for the purposes of this blog, decided to ignore the entire area and pretend that pizza didn't exist here. In my defense, Carolina Beach isn't really Wilmington. It will be soon enough though, when the Wilmington Borg feasts upon it and adds it to its fatty outer layers, but that's a tale for a different and terrible day.

Out of fucking nowhere, the weather gods shined upon our section of the world, and I felt like going for a drive. Driving through the hellish innards of Wilmington is akin to Sisyphus' eternal struggle, so I went for a leisurely drive southwards. Spring lasts for exactly 4 days in Wilmington before the terrible, searing, awful heat of summer hits. If there is a perfect time to just leisurely cruise around, this is it.

Upon first glance, I felt like I was looking at your standard Michaelangelos slice. That is to say, a rather basic pizza, vaguely soulless, yet structurally very well-crafted, made from substandard ingredients and recipes:

Fat shitbird that I am, I took a bite before remembering to snap a photo. The slice looks alright for the most part. The rim looks a bit under and floury, and there are a few weirdo craters. Sort of like a zitty pubescent female with an undeveloped understanding of makeup, maybe. I don't know. As shown in this photo, I've added some oregano and crushed red pepper, as is my habit whenever they are made readily available.

The star of the show here is the sauce. This slice has some pretty god damn good sauce. The vaguely-nearby Monkey Junction Michaelangelos may use the same sauce recipe, but their slice was overpowered by a ton of shitty cheese when I went there, so I cannot say for sure. The Carolina Beach sauce was definitely a lot better than the the sauce at the  Michaelangelos by UNCW. I also felt that the CB cheese was far above the Monkey Junction location and at least on par with UNCW's. Even Carolina Beach Michaelangelos' crust was better than their brethren (though even here it was clearly the key area which demanded improvement). In every respect this slice at the very least equals the other Michaelangelos locations.

All in all it was a pretty damn good slice of pizza by Wilmington standards, and goddamnit we're talking about Carolina Beach here, which, at the time of day I went, had no other pizza slices for sale fucking anywhere: At the time, this was the only game in town if you wanted a slice of pizza. It's not an outstanding deal at $2.54, but its not shockingly bad either (especially because it's pretty large), plus if you are feeling quite fat, they offer a $4.99+tax small cheese pizza lunch special, or some bullshit. I personally hate the idea of a NY-style joint serving pizzas smaller than 18", but I think even Brooklyn does that now. This is the primary reason that I bemoan our floundering, decrepit economy - even my ever-expanding list of broken bones and other unattended medical issues take second place to the horror of decent pizzerias stooping to such unholy lows as offering personal-size pizzas. It's disgraceful!

The main downside is that the crust, though fairly decent, could be better. I'll just take a moment to bust out my pizza nerd cred and tell these guys to use high gluten flour, for the Pete's sake.

I'm kind of flummoxed and disappointed; I feel like I'm letting my 3 readers down by not blasting this bitch to space like the Russian chimpanzee we all wish it was. Hopefully I'll review some more shitty, gross, mind-fuckingly bad pizza soon, but this shit right here was a pretty good slice!

I woulda eaten another, gladly. In fact, I considered just that.

2 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Michaelangelos Pizza - $2.54
9 South Lake Park Boulevard,  Carolina Beach, NC 28428

Michaelangelos New York Style on Urbanspoon

Posted by pete

Comments (5) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Expanding the horizon to Carolina Beach, eh? You really don’t wanna let this shit blog die. I approve.

  2. Great review! Last time I ate at that location I think I really liked it. I suggest trying the pizza place thats closer to the boardwalk, they look fucking scary and the place seems unsanitary, would probaly make a fucking great review.

    In your last review you wrote about Jones beach, I love Jones beach and used to work there as a trashy hobo garbage collector. Also you said China Garden had great food? which one, the one on independence?
    Have you ever had your cholesterol checked before?

    • I tried to go to Frank’s, but they were closed, as was Britt’s, which is apparently the only place in a 9000 square mile radius legally allowed to deep fry donuts (but please continue to butcher endless porcine and construct terrible factories along the river).

      I was talking about China Garden off Eastwood near Wrightsville. The main cook there is pretty much right off the boat from Hong Kong and pretty cool. The food takes a bit longer but that’s because he actually gives a shit and cooks something worth eating. Crazy shit. The China Garden off Independence is fairly nonsense.

      I’ll check my cholesterol when I’m dead you idiot.

  3. I used to work at Michelangelo’s. They use the cheapest ingredients to make their food. They are kinda like the McDonalds of pizza places.


Leave a comment

No trackbacks yet.