Lord have mercy
One year ago, literally to the day, some schmuck emailed me asking my opinion of Papa Murphy's. I told him that it was outside the scope of my blog, but 'maybe I'd make an exception.' Well that guy is probably dead by now, or living in the vast sewers underneath Las Vegas or maybe he's joined a professional basketball team in Europe. He's dead to me, anyway, that's all that matters! He sorta sent me on this horrible mission and is therefore sorta responsible for the bullshit I had to endure. Hell, I'm still enduring it; a lot of it is still just sitting in my fridge, mocking me.
I didn't know what to expect from this weirdo establishment. Their website is dumb as hell, and I couldn't find much real, tangible information readily available. Entering the store was not much of a help, either; prices were listed on boards somewhat haphazardly, for various sundry pizzas. It confused me, but, in their defense, so do simple things like magnets and hirsute women. Even as I write this review, I don't know whether to handle this like a normal pizza review or one of my throwaway frozen pizza reviews. It's not frozen but it might as well be. I mean i guess it's "fresh" in the sense that they made it right in front of me and shit, but I still have to trek home, crank the oven and throw the bastard in.
So this is the medium cheese pizza. To it I added oregano and crushed red pepper (as always), and half of it got some jalapenos, because fuck you, that's why. This thing cooked at 425F for like 12 minutes, maybe. It came out looking a little scary. One thing of note is that this medium pizza seemed pretty big to me. It also had like a million pounds of cheese on it. So if you like mountains of shitty cheese, this is for you. Also I guess it was a mix of cheeses but regardless it was bland. Hot out of the oven it was stringy and whatnot but when it cooled down for like half a minute, it became a solid mass of gutbusting misery. Bite into it and it all just sloughs off. Terrible.
The sauce was pasty and unremarkable, overcooked and overseasoned and stupid. The crust was bland and offensive in its inoffensiveness. Overall, I got the distinct impression that I was eating school pizza, except worse, crossed with my mom's crappy homemade pizza, except worse. It was pretty bad. The sad thing is that I might get another pizza from here, except with toppings. God, why did I even think that just now. Fuck me.
I guess I'll give this thing a rating, since, even though it's worse than most frozen pizza, at least it's "fresh." Right?
7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Papa Murphy's - $5.10 after a $2-off coupon 2804 South College Road, Wilmington, NC
You ever seen this shit in the store? Why the fuck have companies started selling frozen pizza by the slice? I don't see the point of this at all. I'd never considered buying one of these until this morning when I was feeling even more self-loathing than normal. I was buying like 8 cans of soup, for some reason (I guess because I like soup), and whilst walking through the frozen aisle I saw this and was really offended. But then I saw that it was on clearance for $1.59, so I bought the hell out of it.
I didn't bother looking at the cooking instructions before buying this. Luckily, it had microwave instructions. This was good because I was bringing this to eat at work and we don't have a fucking oven at work. What we have is the smallest, oldest microwave I've ever laid eyes upon. It took a lot longer than anticipated, but by some freak chance this thing actually 'finished' 'cooking' at some point.
Holy shit does that look terrible! Thankfully it tasted a tad better than it looked. The contraption it was laid atop seemed to cook it sort of, kind of, vaguely okay. The toppings were alright. The BBQ sauce was kind of cloyingly sweet and offensive. The crust was as shitty as other Freschetta crusts. All in all, it sort of tasted like what might happen if you were to reheat the result of someone eating a lot of good food, vomiting it back out onto a weird metallic-esque triangular prison of shame, shrink wrapping it, boxing it, and freezing it.
It was an abomination.
A first time for everything
It struck me that I haven't posted a real review since, like, fucking October. It's goddamn January. As it happens, it's 2012 and the fucking world is ending and I need to make haste. I need to do important things such as finishing this blog. And yet, there are new places springing up all the time offering their shitty versions of pizza. It's as if people have realized that flour, water, tomato paste and crummy cheese are not so costly and exhibit exorbitant potential profit margins. As it happens, I'm fairly sick of that shit and indeed don't know why I ever started down the path of such lackluster establishments, praise Tebow. Yet that is where we find ourselves.
And as such it is no wonder my ladyfriend assumed that I was acquiring for us a Papa Murphy's pizza for dinner when I informed her of her impending pizza decimation. After all, there is not much left in town to review, just some stragglers. When I arrived home with a legitimate pizza box, she exclaimed "Terrazo's!?" Such a presumptuous affront could not go unaccounted for and so I responded, "No, bitch, take yon seat." In truth I had a pizza from Siena, too expensive by far and too late to the party to matter. Scratch that, I don't even know what I just wrote (whiskey).
I had avoided Siena for a time because for one it's not terribly convenient for me to get to, location- or time-wise. It's also kind of expensive unless you buy an eat-in pizza on a Tuesday. As it turns out the aforementioned lady tends to think of a deal on food to mean an excuse to order high-priced cocktails. So I opted for a $15 takeout pizza (~17" I'd guess) as opposed to a $10 dinein pizza accompanied by top shelf mixed drinks costing me an arm, leg, a couple wazoos and a few fuck yous too. Call me a fucking genius if you will, that's fine.
Fucking hell I need to talk about the pizza. It was both better than I thought it would be and vaguely lackluster at the same time, but mostly it was unexpected. Living and dying within a prototypical cardboard pizza box I found something rather akin to a NY-style pizza.
The cheese was acceptable, maybe even good, though not as grease-laden as my fat self prefers. It was reminiscent of some pies I've had in New York, in a way, and at the very least better than inoffensive. The sauce was kind of bitter, but it was pretty good in its own right. It was spiced but not overly-so; it might have done better with some sugar. The crust was more of a challenge. On the one hand it was a bit too soft and chewy, particularly along the rim of the pie. On the other hand, it was well-browned on the bottom and structurally sound. It's difficult for me to take points off here because I know that a ten minute ride in a box (heh heh) will soften if not destroy the integrity of any pizza crust. In fact, as time went by afterwards, the crust redefined itself and wasn't half-bad. It was still lacking for salt, though.
Bottom line: this is better than most pizza you will find in Wilmington. Is it worth $15 after tax? Nope. On Tuesdays is it worth $10 to split with a friend at the bar plus a couple $3 beers? I'm not being generous when I say Fuck Yes It Is.
I'm on a boat, bitch.
3 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Siena - $15 3315 Masonboro Loop Road, Wilmington NC