Just when you thought the bottom could not get deeper, this blog has sunk to a new and terrible low. Today I was bumbling around, as I am wont to do. I needed to spend a bit of time in a certain geographical location, as it were, and by chance that happened to be near a Harris Teeter, which caused me to peruse, ya see, Theooooo. I wasn't looking for anything to review, but then I saw that this fucking horseshit Lunchables garbage was, fuck I don't even know, less than two bucks.
Man, am I an idiot, I actually bought this shit. Holy fucking God am I dumb. Look at this shit, it's like for a kid or something. Right off the bat, look at the picture: hey Dr. Genius, deep dish pizza has the cheese on the bottom. I mean, I don't know why they fuck they put the cheese on the bottom, but they do. What you have pictured here is a fucking wonky pie crust with some tomato paste and shredded cheese on it. I guess saying all that would be overly verbose so they just went with:
Okay, I get it; it's cheese pizza with an extruded rim. But fuck all that noise, I concocted this thing as best I could, in the tradition of my forefathers, and there is virtually no way to make it look like the advertised picture with the given ingredients. There's just not enough sauce, basically. And the mandarin orange bowl, or whatever it is, you would have to slurp down a bunch of that juicy, sweet manfluid and then prop up those overripe segments to achieve anything close to what is pictured. But I digress, onto the pizza.
Fooled ya, I had to get drunk to eat this shit, so I went with a stellar vintage, a fine year, a $3 bottle of cab sav from Harris Teeter. It was so fucking bad. I knew it would be bad. I've had this before; in fact, I used to buy it by the case to utilize the 10-15% discount. Winos are nothing if not spendthrifts, let me tell you. I thought, 'Oh, well, it's kind of cold out, a red wine would be superb with my kindergarten amuse-bouche.' WELL FUCK YOU IT WASN'T. It took me more than half an hour to drink this bottle which means it sucked.
So did this meal. You get this shitty fake pizza, some dank little cookies, I forget what they're called (Fuck-You-Toos, maybe), some mandarin wedges, and a bottle of water with a fucking Kool-Aid packet. All this for $4 normally, or $2, like I paid on special. At first glance I was offended by the water bottle inclusion, because I hate bottled water. Then I was okay with it because at least they're not packaging some garbage-ass Coca-Cola to kids. Then I opened the packaging and saw the Kool-Aid flavor packet in there and I again regained an absolute lack of respect for my species and country.
Regarding the pizza, which is allegedly the point, it was fucking terrible. All things considered, the cheese was the least repulsive thing about the pizza. The crust was a dry wasteland of fuck-you. The sauce was overly pasty, thick and basically gross. This pizza kind of reminded me of the Boboli pizza kits you can make at home.
Don't do that, by the way.
A while back I had some people over at my house for the purpose of getting really fucking drunk. It's what some people might call a party, but since I only have two friends it probably doesn't qualify. Well one of these idiots left a frozen pizza behind, so I decided to eat that shit. Mind you this all happened like a million years ago, and the only reason I'm writing about it now is because I got a Dunkin Donuts coffee, spiked it with whiskey and Bailey's and I don't know, fuck you, I'm all jacked up and drunk. It's as if Four Loko got resurrected just like whats-his-face, the Jew from the desert or something. You know who I'm talking about.
Generally I review plain pizza. And real pizza. Not this frozen terrible shit with a bunch of crap on it. But bada bing bada boom, fuck you, this pizza is real. Well I guess, shit I'm a little drunker than I thought. Could be the hash. This pizza tasted fantastic, if I remember correctly. It was pretty fucking great. It was the best free pizza I've ever had in my life, ever. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm sorry, internet. I'll post a real review soon, probably Siena or Papa Murphy's. Does anyone know if Siena still has their Tuesday special?
In conclusion, this pizza was awesome. They should rename it from "Spicy Chicken Supreme Pizza" to "Gut Busting Hangover Cure Sleepy Time Fuck You Pizza." In mega-retrospect, though, some of the slices had a ton of caked-on cornmeal on the bottom. That was really crummy, and it was also bullshit. Easily overlooked at the time, though. Still gross. Anyhow, sorry for this post.
This blog is hitting a new low. A while back, I don't even know how long ago, I bought a couple containment units of pizza at the dollar store. I actually really like that dollar store. It's the one by CiCi's on South College. There's a closer dollar store right near my house, across town from the godly store I'm mentioning, but everything there costs like four dollars. It should be called 4Dollar Store. It's a great scam, I guess.
The worst thing about this review is that I don't even remember what the fucking pizzas are called, and I never took pictures of the packaging. For convenience purposes I will just call one of them French Bread Shitdick and the other one Triple Shitbird Express. The naming scheme may make more sense upon reading the rest of the review (or not). The second worst thing about this review is that I ate this bullshit weeks ago (I think) and my recollections are notoriously vague given such vast spans of time. The best thing about this review is that it's 7a.m. and I'm drinking Beast Ice, again!
French Bread Shitdick (a fucking dollar)
For a dollar I was not entirely offended by this pizza. My girlfriend is nearly blind and in bed and saw the above picture and asked me if I was reviewing dildos or something. Don't I wish. I put my standard accoutrements on here (oregano, crushed red pepper) and cooked it up. I sort of remember that one of the two of these had no oven-instructions, only microwave. I'm looking a little closer at the packaging and it seems this one had oven instructions. Which means Triple Idiot Surprise did not. So there's that.
This is not the best dollar pizza in the world but it's not the worst. It had some flavor and the French bread-ish crust was almost successful, in a dollar store sort of way. Honestly, though, this thing would have better use being thrown at those idiot kids you see skateboarding around convenience stores. I mean, doesn't their trailer park have pavement? Oh yeah, nope.
Triple Farting Flapjack Shutup (It was a dollar, man)
I also forget the name of this shitty product but it proved to me, once and for all, that God is a real fucking jerk. This shit was worse than the other crap above. It didn't taste like anything at all. I just drank a leftover half-can of nightstand beer from last night and it was superior to this triple facefuck of nothingness.
I thought it would be good, too; that's the worst part. I like mini pizzas, I don't know why ... They're fucking cute! I admit it. What could have been a delicious treat turned out to be some seriously stupid crap. Sadly I don't remember what the fuck it was even called so I'll probably buy it again because of how fucking adorable these little bastards are. I buy kittens all the time before realizing I'm allergic and then I just end up throwing them at skateboarding kids of limited means.
Winner: Frenchy Tits Magoo
I'll try to update this bullshit later when I find out what the fuck I even ate.