Thank you
Thanks to the person that googled 'fucking in the donut shop' in order to find my site. This is the highest honor I could have ever imagined receiving. In other news, I'm shit-housed.
Nicola’s
Surprisingly good
One commonly hears the phrase "save the best for last," and I for one say fuck that shit. I save the worst for last, because I hate myself this much (I'm spreading my arms really wide right now). I like knowing that it's all downhill from any given point. Maybe things were good during some nebulous fantasy time period in the past, but the future is destined to be a shitstorm of shitbricks, en fuego.
With this mindset in, well, mind, I saved Nicola's for nearly last. I didn't think it would be good at all, for whatever reason. I'd been here once before, if memory serves. It was a long while back, though, and may have been a different restaurant entirely but in the same location. I don't even know why I was there or what I had, if anything. Was I there with family, or friends? On hallucinogens or narcotics or uppers? Maybe with both friends and family and on all three, who knows? I had a vaguely bad experience that time, but lets chalk it up to the acid.
On Tuesdays, Nicola's has a deal for $5 12" pepperoni or cheese pizzas. Normally they're 7-8 dollars. Apparently the Tuesday deal is dine-in only, but they never mention this. Ancient Chinese secret. Anyway I got mine to go because I'm the boss. I opened the box and was surprised to see a pizza that looked quite like a miniature NY pie. I was expecting it to look more Neapolitan, given that the pizzas are referred to as wood-fired. One oddity of this pie was that the rim of the crust was very thin. Not a big deal, though.
This shit was really good! Some of the best in town. If I lived or worked nearby, I'd probably go here every Tuesday. The cheese was very good, with proper grease levels. The sauce was more than passable. The crust was probably worked a little too much around the rim but overall it was actually very good and well seasoned. The slices were thin and had very good structure. Is it wood-fired, as the menu states? Could be; there was a little bit of char on the bottom, in any case.
Very good pizza, very good deal (on Tuesdays, otherwise it's just okay).
2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Nicola's - $5-7 + tax 5704 Oleander Dr Ste 102, Wilmington, NC 28403
Sbarro
Shitty mall pizza at its most horrendous
I was in the mall the other day, AKA the worst place in the world. I generally abhor malls but the one in Wilmington really takes the shitcake. It's shaped like some derpy octopus. It kind of makes you think you're in a big mall because you have to walk six times more than you ought to in order to traverse the entire blasted thing. With most malls, you just walk in a somewhat linear fashion, and when you get to the end, you've, in the words of Captain Picard, seen it all.
I'd decided to eschew reviewing big chain pizza, but since there is only one Sbarro in town I figured I'd waste some money and review this slice. As a kid I ate Sbarro in Danbury, CT sometimes and I have vaguely fond memories of it. Not because I liked it a lot, though. I think it was because when my parents took me to the mall, I always wanted Sbarro but they would virtually never grant this wish. They would instead throw a stale bagel at my head and tell me to scuba for quarters in the fountain if I wanted fucking mall pizza. They'd also regularly sneak off, leaving me alone, frightened and confused. Allegedly this was to help develop my sense of direction, self-determination, and world view. But I digress.
I took my first bite, looked quizzically around and said, "This tastes of nothing." And although that's really all there is to it, I'll go on in order to fill space. The best thing about the slice was its crust. While not good by any stretch of the imagination, it was fairly inoffensive and almost well seasoned. It's screen-cooked, though. The sauce was pasty and terrible but there wasn't much of it. The cheese really tasted of absolutely nothing. It was the most offensively unremarkable shit in the universe. I gave my girlfriend a bite and she said, "This is even worse than the pizza from Hibachi," which was so true I was forced to edit that review and change their 8 recirc rating to a 7.5, to balance things out in the world.
I can make no comment on anything else Sbarro offers, but their pizza is atrocious. Just go to Chik-fil-A or something.
Childhood memories can get lost.
8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Sbarro - $3.523500 Oleander Dr # Fc5, Wilmington, NC 28403
Hibachi Grill & Supreme Buffet
Pizza! At a Chinese buffet! Fuck everything about this! I love it!
Holy shit, a Chinese buffet reviewed on a pizza blog. Fuck you because this is history in the making and you probably don't even realize it. There is no reason for me to review this fucking shit but confronted with pizza at a Chinese buffet I felt a calling not unlike Kevin Costner tripping balls in a cornfield. Avert your gaze, mortals:
Well it was dogshit awful. I guess it's just frozen pizza. I wasted some of my vast, priceless, inordinately sexy stomach space on this trash. And I did it just for you. You don't have to thank me, but you probably should. Tasteless cheese, chewy underdone crust, possibly some sauce in there. I ate this thing so fast I don't even know what else to say about it.
The good news is that the rest of Hibachi Grill's food is really good for the most part. The mac and cheese sucks, though. And the boneless spare ribs suck. Pretty much everything else was awesome, particularly the Hong Kong chicken. And they have bottles of Sriracha for you to guzzle, which is quite satisfactory.
This place is cheap and awesome. The main problem is that they have no booze. Which makes no sense whatsoever. Booze is more profitable than food, and it fills you up to boot. Booze also happens to be the bee's knees.
Come for the pizza, stay for the Americanized Chinese food.
7.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Hibachi Grill & Supreme Buffet - $6.59 + tax356 S. College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403
