Apparently other places in our great nation are afflicted with crummy pizza, too. So take fucking heart. Click on if you want to, for some reason, look at a lot of pictures from Westchester pizzerias.
On my way to New York for five days. Expect to have some quality pizza. In the meantime here is a link.
Dunnunna dunnunna dunna Beast Ice
Have you ever had pizza so bad that after eating it you felt compelled to chug eighty ounces of beer and piss in the pizzamakers bed, wake up in the morning and tell him, half naked as a result of your own incontinence, that his pizza was the worst you've ever had? That's the story I'm about to tell. If this is too offensive for you, I'm guessing you're new here because the two loyal readers I have are well-accustomed to this manner of profanity.
So I wake up in a drunken stupor, reach over, and everything's all wet. I'm thinking, "damn it, this bitch spilled wine on my bed." Pitch black and feeling around, I realize that this wetness is of a considerably larger scale than a simple booze spill, and it is centered quite literally around her nether regions. She pissed my bed. So it's 4 a.m. and I'm cleaning up piss sheets and piss who-knows-what-else, and this goes on for a while. I'm cleaning shit up and napping on the couch (generally free of piss) until 8 a.m. Around this time I find myself in the kitchen cleaning up some other shit, and this bitch comes in and says (after I'd spent some hours cleaning up her urine as though she were an infant or a dying dog), "you know, that pizza last night was the worst pizza I've ever had." And since this bitch loves Goodfellas, one simply cannot question her familiarity with dogshit pizza.
So when I say that this round of homebrew pizza didn't go well, you will agree.
First things first, I failed at lighting the coal. What a jerk I am. But then it lit!
Even after it fired, shit didn't go very well. I used Hunt's crushed tomatoes for the sauce and Sorrento's mozzarella for the cheese. I wasn't happy with either of those choices. And the crust didn't have enough yeast in it, or something. And the stone probably wasn't as hot as it should have been. The first pie had some decent coloring and it wasn't bad but I ended up forming the dough skin too thin and it was damn near a complete disaster.
I have to work on this recipe I guess, and I might start using cake yeast. I also need to better insulate the grill, and maybe (somehow) lower the effective dome height.
Yeah. I don't know why you're reading this, either.
This place is open, what the shit?
I had given up on Hoobie's after peering through their window one day during business hours to see the place in complete disarray with no signage explaining their being mysteriously closed. When some people made it clear to me that this stupid place was actually still in business, I decided that for the sake of this blog's comprehensiveness I'd give it yet another shot. Hoobie's apparently doesn't sell slices but they did have a 10" pie for $3.23 after tax, which is pretty fucking cheap indeed. They seemed to be rather busy in there. I guess people like this place or something. I went here expecting the absolute worst.
Peculiar beast we have here, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. The crust had a general burnt taste to it. It appeared to be cooked on a screen. I don't know where the burnt taste really came from, maybe from residual char left on the screen/oven floor or something. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as the shit served up by Goodfellas, at least. The cheese was a bit of a conundrum. I don't think it was part-skim due to the high grease levels, but it sort of had that globby consistency. And the taste was a bit odd. Do they add another cheese in here besides mozzarella? Maybe provolone? I don't know. I'm probably entirely off base.
One positive that I am able to report is that the sauce was very good. It was a simple sauce and it tasted good. It wasn't fucked to hell with a bunch of unnecessary spices, which was unexpected and welcomed. That doesn't make up for the crummy crust and questionable cheese, though.
God bless you, Hoobie's, you factory of pizza, you.
I got so much shit over my Avanti review that I decided to go back. Maybe I had experienced the eventuality bound to afflict any review site: that I had been served a fluke the first time around. And God DAMN if I didn't want to like this pizza. Plus they had an alright deal, $3.99+tax for two cheese slices and a drink. I guess it's just a free drink, but at the time it seemed like an impressive deal. Fuck you.
Right off the bat this shit looked scary:
Unlike the last slice reviewed, these motherfuckers had way too much cheese as opposed to way too much sauce. These shits right here barely had any sauce at all, as far as I could tell. They are fucking entirely different from what I got last time and not in a good way. Rating-wise, Avanti would fare worse in round 2 than in the original gangster review, but out of pity I won't go there.
At first I thought the cheese was kinda crummy and bland but to be honest I think that initial opinion was more a reflection of the fact that there was simply far too much of it on there. I think it had the consistency of a decent cheese, maybe. I don't know.
The crust was shit, too. And as with every other aspect of the slice, it was completely different from the last go-round. It was dry, overcooked, brittle, and tasteless. And look at its complete lack of structural integrity!:
I dunno if it's clear what's happening but that weird pancake of cheese was entirely underneath the slice. and when I tried to lift the slice it tore almost clear in half. Hey, I'm not a photographer, titbag. Anyway, it just fell apart. Mountain of cheese on a really crummy crust, the bottom coated to holy hell with hell's own version of flour.
After eating this garbage, I dream of the mediocre shit I got here last time. You know how people say that at least things can't get any worse? At least it's all uphill from here? Well, let this be a lesson to you: you never truly know how bad shit can get.
I don't care what any of you say. This place has a certain charm but their pizza is at a very bare minimum improperly made. I don't think I can blame the components, necessarily. This is mainly an undersauced, overcheesed and overcooked affair. Last time it was undercooked and oversauced. Quality Control, guys. Look it up. Consistency!
Never do this to yourself
My phone died. This is my interpretation of what Costco looks like from the outside. It doesn't really matter. Costco pizza is Costco pizza and if you are a member, you've probably had it and if you are a dumb fat American I guarantee you loved it.
When the first thing you see before ordering a slice of pizza is some girl sticking a meat thermometer in it, you know you're eating at a classy joint. Maybe this is common practice for places that keep hot pizza on hand but fuck all that noise. One time I had this hardon for Thoreau and decided to live on an island. In true Thoreau fashion I brought an 18" cheese pizza with me in the canoe and I ate on that thing for three days. I didn't die. I also shat in holes and acted like a savage. With pizza. Shit was still good. I didn't even have a meat thermometer! Hell, I don't even think meat should be cooked let alone have it's temperature taken. I dream of a world filled with cows and pigs walking around covered in bloody, maggot-infested human chomp wounds.
I've spoken before about having a cheesebaby fucked into me, but Costco takes the cake. Trying to ingest the cheese on this slice was like sticking a whole handful of gum in my mouth, except it didn't taste good and the entire time I was filled with thoughts of having to swallow that shit at some point, i.e. impending doom. Oh yeah and that was every bite. I ate this slice as fast as I could and it still took at least a decade to finish.
Well, you know the pizza was shitty, there was no reason for me to review it, et cetera. But for two bucks it's got some credibility in the fatass department. It takes the fucking cake. Or pie, as it were.
This shit was greasy as all get out yet still mostly flavorless. It was terrible. Crustwise, I think a scholar with an interesting name said it best, so ignore all my shit and click that link. Long and short of it is that Costco's crust is a greasy, disgusting nightmare. When it comes to this slice of pizza that I'm reviewing, it was the worst of every world. And it was a big bastard. In the repurposed words of my favorite comedic genius, it had the weight of a fat baby and a dead dog. I felt like shit for a while afterwards, but for two bucks it could be a cheap way to have dinner. Awful, though.
8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
5351 Gingerwood Drive, Wilmington, NC 28405
I got a note in the mail today from Google to the effect that I now have over $10 in my AdSense account. This is largely irrelevant though because you need $100 to actually withdraw any of it (WTF?). Anyway, thank you to my loyal readers who are stupid enough to click those stupid ads.
Also I just ate some pizza from a soon-to-be reviewed place and I feel like I'm going to die. My phone's battery died in the store, meaning I couldn't take pictures. So I drew a couple instead.