The middle of the road never looked so good
Right up there is a photo of a stupid damn Volkswagen who trolled the hell out of me and my camera. Well played, sir. Also of note is the pictured deal of a $4.99 all-you-can-eat pizza and pasta lunch special. This place is a shitty fuckface fatso's heaven. Except, I don't really ever remember seeing a bunch of fatsos in here for lunch, just college stoners. I think southern fatsos stick with Golden Corral for $12, or whatever that disgusting bullshit rapes people for every day. Anyway, five bucks for all you can eat pizza and pasta is such a fucking deal and a half, it doesn't even make sense to me and I am a SCIENTIST. Near here there is a CiCi's (warning when you go to this site, a jolly black-sounding guy welcomes you to their shitty site - scratch that, it randomizes different voices of people who welcome you. Fuck the dev that set this up.) which post-dates Michaelangelos by at least a fair margin, and it has a similar deal. I'm never reviewing their shit. They can fuck off inside of a fiery dickfurnace.
As I mentioned in a previous review, I've eaten at this Mike's location a number of times while going to college and doing whatever else I was doing between the ages of 17 and 22 that I can barely remember. Back then, the slice wasn't anything to write home about but it was okay and it was a fair deal, and as far as pizza goes there wasn't much else in the immediate area of campus. When I went to do this review, I was figuring to get a bogus shitbird slice, based on the aforementioned review of the same local chain's location some miles south of here.
Here is the slice I received:
It actually looks a lot like the Monkey Junction slice, except it looks more 'well done,' which is a term that happens to be an example of why the English language is so stupid. I'm not going to look up the history of this term in the Oxford, so don't hold your breath. The strange thing is that this slice beats the slice from Monkey Junction, hands down, even though MJ's slice arguably looks better. As opposed to the MJ's slice, this one tasted pretty good. Above average, in any case, based on Wilmington standards.
The dough recipe seems to be largely the same, except this one didn't have any hint of a foul taste. It had the hint of a flavor, but I think it may have been an hallucinatory aftershock from years past. Overall, the crust was just average. It had the poor, soft texture of an all-purpose flour dough formula. But what are you gonna do, cry about it? That's what I'm for. I cry for the shit you don't even think about. I'm motherfucking pizza Jesus, you assholes. As a side note, some years ago I officially confirmed their use of all-purpose flour. With them. Big time. It's kind of shameful, really! Oh well. At the end of the day, their crust simply serves as a vessel to relay cheese and sauce into many fat fuckers' faces. And for most people, that's just fucking great. And most people throw the rim of their crust away accordingly. This is, after all, America: the land where the best fork is a disposable fork made of crappy dough that you could eat if you wanted to, should you be feeling particularly obese at the moment.
The sauce was okay. At times there was too much, but not to a super-disagreeable degree. The cheese was probably above average. It was far above the Monkey Junction location. I won't bother trying to explain this because I don't fucking know why. Maybe I sucked too many shit-covered dicks the previous night and my palate had become diminished, who is to say? Overall, this was a fairly reasonable slice. It was a bit bigger than the other location and it was better in literally every way. A foul could be called on me should their ingredients and recipes be identical, which may well be the case. It wouldn't really matter, though, should it be found that Emmanuel pisses on every ingredient at the other location. I'm not saying he does. But think of it, that would be a story right there.
4 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403
This place took over from the S. College location of Krazy Pizza. Wow that pizza was shitty. I remember my little sister won a free pizza from here or something and instead of consuming it she just threw it at a hobo, square in the face. Thankfully, Goodfellas' pizza was better than the old Krazy's. Maybe. I don't fucking know. I think I ate at the old Krazy establishment once and it was awful but it was probably seven or more years ago.
Regardless, I was hoping this place would be really great. I have high hopes for new places, I really do. Apparently everyone that read my Pizzetta's review thinks I'm a terrible whirlwind of illiterate, unpalated, diseased ineptitude. Luckily for me, I'm pretty sure everyone that commented thusly either has a stake in the place or is long on chromosomes. So I came to Goodfellas hoping to have a great god damn slice; hoping to be able to rave about a new establishment in a shitty town full of assholes eating shitty, filthy shit. Instead I went into a giant and empty weirdo pizzeria. It was like 7 or 7:30 p.m. and there was literally no one in here besides 2 pizza cooks and a girl behind the register. And this place is huge. And they're like a tenth of a mile from UNCW. And they serve cheep beer. At this point, I knew I was fucked.
And then I knew I was super fucked when I walked in, because this is strictly a waitressed establishment. And when I say strictly, I don't mean strictly. I don't know what I mean. Maybe the girl behind the counter was just really bored with sitting behind the counter for hours and demanded to wait on me as though I wanted something besides a fucking slice of pizza in a shitty hole-in-the-wall pizzeria. More than likely they're trying to force a sit-down atmosphere in a cheapo college area. It worked I guess because instead of a slice I got 2 slices, a drink and left a tip. Fuck it, I've already gone off on a tangent, I'm gonna go off on another: This shopping center simply can't handle all these businesses, parking-wise. Bdobo alone could fill up the entire parking lot of this place, and they deserve to be able to do so cuz that place is awesome. Throw in a Japanese place, a couple bars, a pizzeria, a bunch of clothing places, a college book store, an adult store, a video game store, all the other shit that is there and, well, everything is fucked. Sorry.
But, thankfully (in a sense), this place is fucked for other, more pertinent, reasons. I was disheartened to have to shell out extra money for a waitress, but she was very nice and particularly attractive, if I may stoop so low to say so. I didn't mind putting a dollar or two in her tip jar. But fuck me the pizza was really, really crummy.
Looks pretty terrible, but let's keep an open mind. Don't bother, it sucked. Too much sauce and the sauce was fucked. It was way overspiced, overcooked and likely even burnt. I only say likely because I found, later on, a number of burnt, crunchy mystery morsels embedded in the bottom of my crust. Way gross. I can't be entirely sure if the sauce itself was burnt but I think it was, and regardless, I know that the whole fucking slice tasted burnt so what's the difference. I don't think the cheese tasted like fuck-all, but honestly I cannot attest to it because my mouth just had this terrible char flavor the entire time. The crust was both overly soft and had sort of a nice crunch. The only explanation is the use or overuse of dough conditioner. As an aside, the crust's flavor didn't exist. It was like a black hole of 'fuck you.' If you are wondering how I knew this since everything tasted burnt, I fucking ate a bite out of the rim right off gates, so fuck you. Also, the slice on the right's rim looks like someone mangled it with their thumb. Check it out. Fuck that.
I'd like to give this place some tips (not that they'll read this or care), but I can't. You have to start from scratch as far as the pizza goes. The good news is that you are in good company. This town is shit. The bad news is that you are near the campus. Living amongst parent-funded stoners, you have to be either good, or cheap. You are basically fucking neither. You won't last and I don't care. And yes, that is the fucking bourbon talking.
God save good pizza.
6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Update 7/29/2011 - I've been here since then and the pizza didn't taste like burnt shit. It was actually completely different from the slices previously reviewed. Didn't even seem remotely similar.
A big fucking slice of pizza
I've been to this Incredible Pizza location approximately once before, a number of years ago. This may speaks volumes as I now mention that I successfully went to university like a half mile from this place for an unspecified number of years, and lived probably a tenth of a mile from here for a while, too. When I was living nearby, I was consuming virtually nothing but ramen, pasta, marijuana and hallucinogens, though. Pizza was kind of out of my income bracket, so perhaps it speaks no kind of volume whatsoever. Now that I make decent money for literally or figuratively jerking off, as the case may or may not be, I am free to trek across town to places like this and leave the ramen for my roommate to steal, in a drunken or non-drunken stupor, as the case may or may not be.
The picture above is somewhat of a curiosity in that it does not include a picture of the company's awning, or sign, or whatever. They had one, but it was not lit up and it was dark out. I don't know what the deal was and I'm pretty sure I don't give a shit. I went here not expecting much. Incredible Pizza establishments seem to come and go around here. I don't know if what I just said is a factual statement, but it's the impression I get and that is paramount. My impression also being that it's one of those places like Mellow Mushroom that really seems to depend more upon their toppings than anything else. My reviews tending to be of a plain slice by default, I had my reservations.
Probably before I say anything else it would be best to post a picture of the slice:
This slice is so big they give it to you on two plates. I'm very much okay with this shit right here. Also, I'm also pretty god damn sure this is not how this place used to be. This was reinforced by the fact that the only other dude eating pizza in the place made the exact same observation. This is a huge god damn slice! But, attempting to not be distracted by the enormity of this bastard, I had some very immediate concerns that were soon realized in actuality. Firstly: half this slice is barely thicker than the plates it rests on. I appreciate a thin crust. It is the literal backbone of NY-style pizza. But give me a fucking break, there are limits. This pizza is fairly well beyond those limits. Here's a (fucking terrible) picture I took of the slice's inability to hold up to a simple fold:
The horizontal bit on the right is the angle that the entire slice should have held. The picture is shitty; far shittier than the slice, in fact. Another issue with this slice was that there was a gaping area which was wholly without cheese and almost entirely (I think) without sauce. Here's a fucking close-up:
Pretty unacceptable. If you see the guys at I <3 NY make a pie, they take their god damn time and everything is fucking perfect. That's probably the difference between having people who seem to have a stake in the place making the pizza, and letting college kids make your pies. Shit. That was definitely my Dad's northeast union voice coming out. In any case, that is probably the last bad thing I can say about my slice. And, to be honest, the mistopping of my slice wasn't much of a detraction.
The crust tasted good. More and more, that seems like a rarity around here. As I said before, the slice was also a fucking monster. Their menu indicates the biggest pie they offer is an 18". This shit was cut from a 20"+ pie or my name isn't Shitdick McFuckyoureaders. The cheese was either pretty or very good. The sauce was okay. I don't think there was very much on here, but it didn't negatively affect the slice so it was okay by me. After eating a fair portion of the front of the slice it became holdable via my normal fold method, which was a relief. The slice was quite pricey at $2.70 after tax, but based on the size (and to a degree the overall quality) I'm not sure how terrible this price is, really.
Overall, this slice had it's faults. The last thing I wrote in my notes is that I wanted another, and that really has to count for something. Instead I went to Goodfella's on South College to round out my trip and now I am all ate up with the dumbass as a result because that shit was mostly garbage (stay tuned). I can virtually not factor in the seemingly obscene price due to the bigness of the slice. However, I have to factor in the terrible thinness of the crust, as well as the shoddy workmanship on the topping of the cheese. The question is: how much to subtract? When it comes down to it, I'm forced to give preference to the slice that is best overall, as well as the slice that tastes the best, and the slice that doesn't try to fuck my face with a metric shit ton of shitty cheese because it apparently assumes I'm a morbidly obese American uber-consumer (which I am).
In conclusion, this was a surprisingly good slice. If it were thick enough to hold up to, well, being picked up, and if it were properly topped, it would probably come close to matching Brooklyn and I <3 NY. Being that it is more or less right in between both of those front runners (geographically), it is likely the best pizzeria in the college/midtown area of town. Especially if the Racine/Eastwood Michaelangelo's is now as bad as the one on South College.
Haters gonna hate. BTW they serve beer.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Incredible Pizza - $2.70 4719 New Centre Drive, Ste F, Wilmington, NC 28405
I don't fuckin know
This place is like a week old. I didn't have much to go on here except that they've got a funny name. Unlike this "review," I will actually be reviewing some food instead of just discussing family lineage and regurgitating a listing of every menu item Pizzetta's offers. I think the only mention of taste in this piece is the last line: "Sooooooo much better than oatmeal." Now, I'm going to be harsh in my review (because that is my schtick), but wow. I think "better than oatmeal" is probably the harshest motherfucking thing I've ever read. Maybe the blog post wasn't meant as a review. It's mostly worthless, in any case. It is, like most things associated with the Star News, banal, soulless and crap. Now onto the slice.
Right off gates this pizza looked pretty good, tasted pretty good, and everything was right with the world. The place has a nice interior, everyone seems pretty cool in there and $5 for 2 slices and a drink isn't the worst special in the world. But then you realize that there's cheese for miles. I thought it was decent cheese at first but as time went on there was just so much of it and it started to taste kinda off.
The sauce was very good, though, I thought. I don't know if this is the same shit as what they use on their pastas but I wouldn't mind going here and eating some of their pasta if that is the case. Or just getting a cup of it and drinkin on it for a while. The crust seemed alright at first but then it just seemed kind of dense and and bland and dumb. But it wasn't that bad. I think they put too much oil in their recipe or some shit. May have also pre-formed the rim, which is unwise.
Oh right here's the slice:
So the rundown: Way too much semi-crummy cheese; too much sauce but it was pretty dank sauce, so I didn't care much. Crust was sort of middle-of-the-road. So all in all it was just alright. If they'd use some better cheese, become less heavy-handed all around and maybe lower the oil content of their dough and increase the salt, they'd have a great slice. That's sort of a lot of ifs, though.
This place used to be called Cosmos and I heard they had pretty good pizza but that's probably bullshit.
4 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Pizzetta's Pizzeria - $2.43 4107 Oleander Drive, Wilmington, NC 28403
Encore just released their yearly "Best of" list. Their pizza rankings were, in order of bestitude, as follows: Slice of Life, Elizabeth's Pizza, and Incredible Pizza. My understanding is that people vote on each category through "the internets." I would like to take a moment to tell everyone who voted for these pizzerias that they are super dumb. If Encore would bother to ponder this shit themselves rather than regurgitate the probably-rigged, anally-sourced votes of the idiotic unwashed masses, maybe their lists would have some glimmer of a validity. Instead, Encore eats shit forever.
Wilmington's real "Best of" Pizza:
2. Nino's Pizza
3. Reel Pizza
These don't quite match up with my ratings, but I don't really give a shit. Also there are some pizzerias in town that I haven't tried yet like that one by the campus. And there are 2 new pizzerias opening up soon. One on College and the other on Oleander, apparently. So fuck my shitty list too.
The holy grail, or thereabouts
If nothing else, I Love NY Pizza certainly looks the part. Sexy motherfuckin place right here. I love it. One of my friends hates this place because the owner was rude to him. That's one of the reasons I love this place. Old Italian dude behind the counter hurrying you up even though there is nothing going on, no other customers, etc? That is the sign of a great NY-style pizzeria. I don't see that guy in here as much anymore but everyone here is cool and the pizza is awesome. Though my fridge was stuffed with Dominos my roommate drunkenly bought, I drove here for a couple slices. They didn't disappoint. Well, for the most part.
I was really expecting this slice to outclass Brooklyn Pizza Co, but it didn't. This was a great slice, though. Crust was delicious and crispy, as it always is here. These guys know the deal and actually undercook their slice pies so that when they reheat em, THEY'RE FUCKING PERFECT. Which is good. I went there once and just said gimme a slice of pizza, don't even heat it up. And it was undercooked. And it was all my fault. Lesson learned. Anyway the cheese was very good and the sauce was good. And the slice was pretty damn big. They cut em out of 19" pies, so there you go.
My brain keeps insisting I compare this slice to Brooklyn's. I've been arguing with my family for years saying that I <3 NY is better than Brooklyn. In a way this is true. NY is cheaper, bigger (by the slice and by the pie), has much better pies, and other shit I'm not thinking of now because I'm drunk on bacon-infused bourbon. But in terms of a slice of god damn cheese pizza, out of nowhere, Brooklyn wins. NY's slice just didn't have enough spice on it. It wasn't bland, but it didn't quite match Brooklyn's clusterfuck of deliciousness. As some vague display of impartiality, I cannot rate this as high as Brooklyn (or, as it were, as low, per the recirc grading system).
The other slice of pizza pictured above is their Roma Spinach slice. It's easily my favorite slice in town and a real steal for three bucks. It has spinach, Roma tomatoes, garlic, and feta on there, along with the mozzarella of course. Fucking awesome. They also have some shit called the Rio Rancho, which would be illegal to even describe. It will simultaneously blow your mind and your gut. Here is another thing I <3 NY must be commended on (Brooklyn should also receive honorable mention for this):
One time I saw a dude pick up an oregano shaker at Brooklyn, shove it down his pants, and walk out. Classy shit.
1 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)I Love NY Pizza - $2.00 28 N Front St Wilmington, NC 28401
Slice of Shit
This place is fucking stupid. Pizzeria that serves booze? You had me at pizzeria. But god damn do I love booze. This should be an easy winner. Slice has new locations popping up like herpes sores in Jersey.Also I'm not going to link their website, cuz it just destroyed the fuck out of my eardrums because my shit was turned up too high and their website was made by an idiot. Guess I'll remove it from the other Slice review too. While waiting for my slice I wrote in my notes (yes I keep notes), "I dread this." Upon receiving my slice, I followed this note up with: "worse than I could've imagined." That pretty much sums it up. Jesus shitdick Christ.
Part of me wishes this picture came out better, but I'm also kind of glad it came out so poorly because this shit is painful to recollect. It kind of looks like a crust bubble up and janged this slice up, but no dice. What's going on here is that it looks like they made a vaguely okay slice and then some shitass dumbfuck took his grubby mitts and just totally mangled it, somehow, for some unholy reason. I can't think of a single time in my life that I've sent food back, but I would've sent this back if not for this stupid blog.
Also this slice is way fucking small. Really fucking small. Smallest pizza in town yet, and the most expensive. That's about what you can expect from Slice of Life in most regards. For example, here is what they consider to be drink "specials":
Garbage. Okay, back to the pizza. Similar shitty crust to the downtown location, but I dont think it had that weird garlic butter shit on it, which is a plus. The cheese was okay and the sauce was okay, in fairly decent ratios. But the crust fucked this slice right to hell (where it ate shit with Michaelangelo and Jesus, forever). It was cooked on a screen and when I say cooked, I mean burnt to shit on the bottom. The interior of the crust was no better. It was, in fact, considerably worse because it was super fucked up kinds of raw. I couldn't even finish this shit.
I always finish my food, because my mother and father instilled in me the One American Truth: Only a policy of rampant waste and overconsumption can save the poor starving children in China. The fact that I didn't finish this gross shit speaks volumes. Worst slice of pizza I've ever had in Wilmington.
Commence the recirc.
7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Slice of Life Pizzeria & Pub - $2.70 (or something) 3715 Patriot Way Unit 101, Wilmington, NC 28412
I'd love to wear a rainbow every day, and tell the world that everything's okay
Jesus, fuck. I was pretty sure my day, from a culinary perspective, had hit its low after I vomited up all of my (rather bad) lunch. How wrong I was. I just got back from going to Michaelangelos on South College, or some-fucking-where. I don't give a shit where it was. I also went to the new Slice of Life on South College, which I will post about next. These two stupid piece of shit establishments have double-handedly shaken my belief in Pizza. Being that I have no god, I try to hold onto what little I do believe in, and I take this shit seriously.
I used to go to the Michaelangelos (also, ever heard of an apostrophe you shitbirds?) off Eastwood sometimes during my college days at UNCW. All you can eat for 5 bucks? Alright, I'll eat that shit. And the pizza was, I thought, pretty good. I probably never had a fucking plain slice there, though, come to think of it. I remember one particular occasion where I took far too much LSD and was out of my fucking skull for 18 or 20 or some stupid number of hours, dry heaving like a maniac and quite concerned that if I wasn't already, I'd probably be dead soon. Then a friend took me to Michaelangelos and the beach, and I was cured. So even though this place is basically my savior, Michaelangelos can eat shit in hell forever. Just like Jesus Christ.
The crust was weirdly soft and sort of dense, had no character, sucked balls, had a bit of a foul taste. The cheese seemed bland at first but then I ran into globs and globs of it and realized that it was fucking gross. I don't know if there was sauce on here and I don't care. Maybe the sauce was good, but I couldn't even taste it, so I don't care. In all likelihood it was probably very gross too, for balance and consistency. And this thing cost $2.54, which is a scam. Get the fuck outta here. If I come there during lunch you guys are gonna charge me $5 for as much gross horseshit as I can stuff down my gullet, but this one terrible slice costs half that? A plain slice should be two dollars in this area, unless it's very good. Since this slice was very bad it should be under two dollars.
Avoid this fucking place. Hell, avoid Monkey Junction altogether.
Somehow Slice of Life was worse than this. Sort of.
6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 5617 Carolina Beach Road Unit 110, Wilmington, NC 28409