Say gang, what say you do my work for me: Is Lucianos now called Amore on Market? I'm too lazy to drive over there right now. Likewise, is Wrightsboro Nino's now called Amore Pizza and Pasta? If so, I'm confused as shit. Why is Nino's always involved in some kind of name clusterfuck? Are these places, in anything besides name, new? Did the respective owners both just happen to start taking remedial Italian at the same time and learned the world 'amore' and figured 'Yeah, see, the problem with my business is definitely the name, see, and amore means love, see, they'll love us after this idea rivoluzionaria'? Maybe they're both owned by the same people now and no one taught the owner the concept of branding. The world may never know because I don't care enough to definitively find out.
Loyal reader Heidi sent this monstrosity in. I have to guess that it is from ...motherfucking drumroll... Harris Teeter Oleander. Furthermore, I guess that Heidi had a myocardial infarction after eating this slice so we will probably never know whether or not I am correct. RIP Heidi.
My sister just texted me a picture of some pizza she ate and demanded I guess where it was from. Boom, fuck you, I got it. So send me some pictures. I'll try to guess the source.
Also, I owe some of my loyal readers some stuff (after all, you are basically paying for this website). I will make this right. If I don't, or if you get tired of my shitdickery, I will refund your donations. Just contact me. I'm a shitbird. For real. Could be genetic?
I will also be posting a new review in the next day or two! So there's that!
Another one bites the dust. That's right, another shitty pizzeria has closed its shitty doors. This time we mourn the passing of a long-time blight on the Wilmington pizza scene: Gumby's. Fans of this place were always hard to find, but they did exist, and they were without exception complete dummies. Gumby's should have been called Garbagetown USA. I don't know what I was thinking when I gave it a 6-recirc rating - I guess I was extra drunk when I wrote that review.
Anyway, good riddance to them.
In their place there is signage for a place called Brooklyn Sal's Pizza (or some shit), along with the nebulous words, 'coming soon.' I can only imagine that Gumby's owner was tired of his shitty pizza's shitty reputation and decided to basically steal the name of Wilmington's best pizzeria (Brooklyn Pizza) in hope of getting more than one customer a fucking year. If this is the case, I wish 'Sal' the best of luck. Oh wait, no I don't - he can eat a bag of fuck.
But maybe it will be a legitimate new pizzeria. Seems unlikely, though.
Soon I will be posting a review of the new Nino's spot, which is in a weird location across from the College/Market booze emporium. I've been going to Nino's now and then since their opening, three times in total. I've probably spent more than $20 in total. The first visit was a real let down. I bought a whole pie, since I figured it would be on par with the old Nino's location. It wasn't. The second time around was no better. Having recently finished my third try, I guess a review is in order. You'll have to wait and see if they have redeemed themselves. I know, the suspense, it kills
Seventy Cents to Freedom
I went to Golden China at 17th Extension and South College today for two reasons: One, I heard they had an appetizer called Chinese Pizza. Japanese pizza is one thing (and weird as fuck), but Chinese pizza? Sounds too perfect to be true. I don't think the good people of Hong Kong had even heard of pizza when I went there years ago. The second reason is that I wrote another review recently, but I don't want to post it because it's fairly negative and it bums me the fuck out. Anyway, Golden China didn't have any fucking pizza (shocker).
I wandered around like an idiot for a while. I walked around Dollar General. I hate Dollar General. Why don't they call it Everything's More Than A Dollar General? Because everything is more than a fucking dollar. Even stuff that oughta be a dollar is like $1.25, because Dollar General hates you, that's why. Then I wandered around Food Lion, and this My Essentials bullshit caught my eye (partially because I almost never shop at Food Lion and therefore never tried this):
It was on sale so I bought the fuck out of it. Normally this would have cost me over a dollar after taxes but I scored this shit for $0.70. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. I got this one specifically because it says it's microwavable, and I was going to take this back to the office to eat it. We don't have an oven; we have an ancient tiny microwave. It's one of those microwaves that's so old it doesn't have a spinny-turny apparatus. It's one of those microwaves that's so old that it has knobs instead of buttons. It's one of those microwaves that's so old you can feel the cancer emanating from it like a warm summer glow after a long nuclear winter.
Interestingly, the picture on the box isn't too far off. You basically know what you're getting when you buy this garbage, and I respect that. They know you're a broke hobo, you know you're a broke hobo, case closed. I'm surprised they spent the money on color printing, honestly. Here's the little pizza:
The sauce was a bland paste. The cheese was far from memorable. The crust reminded me of that weird, stupid, shitty Totino's frozen pizza I reviewed before. All in all it was pretty crummy and exactly what I expected.
I want to go back and buy every last one of these motherfuckers. Probably one of my favorite dollar frozen pizzas. But it's been a while since I've had the big dogg, Mr. P's.
Bloody mouthful of a name
Usually when I put up frozen pizza posts on here, it's because they're cheap as hell and terrible as all get-out; easily torn to pieces in a hopefully humorous way. This Palermo's pizza, on the other hand, is just goddamn delicious. I don't get it terribly often, but that's only because it usually costs at least an arm and a leg. Luckily, this time, I got it for very cheap. It was on sale, you see.
Their misuse of the term margherita aside, this is a hell of a frozen pizza. The crust is barely there, but its crunchy at least so that's cool. The toppings are all great; the tomatoes, basil, garlic and mix of cheeses. I could eat this pizza all day and frankly wish that was a viable option. One of the most glaring problems is that I can, and have, eaten an entire one of these dumb motherfuckers in one sitting, during a monumental hangover. The upside being that I probably passed out immediately afterwards and upon waking was likely ready to get back on the glorious boozetrain.
Some of Palermo's other offerings aren't as good, but a lot of their thin crust pizzas are rather dank. I stole some kind of fucking Palermo's goat cheese pizza from my parents freezer the other night. I don't know why I felt the need to mention that.
As an aside, the Kickstarter project was successful! Thanks to everyone who donated, I will hurry up to get everything done and sent out.
I had some initial issues transferring the main database over. Somehow, 113 instances of this character: Â showed up, interspersed in many posts. Then I looked closer and they were in the original database too, but I had no idea how these jerks got in there. I'm listing the mysql lines I used to correct the issue below, since it's both of no use to you and it might come in handy for me later.
update TABLE_NAME set COLUMN_NAME = replace(COLUMN_NAME,'Â',' ');
If there are any other problems, besides my vulgarity, please let me know.
As I mentioned before, my hosting bill is due pretty soon. Maybe you have been reading this site for a year or more and want to chip in. Maybe not - I wouldn't blame you! I'm a jerk, not a salesman.
I recently contributed some money to a Kickstarter project. It got me thinking. I like millions of dollars! Or, I figure I would, if I had them. Who wouldn't? He'd probably be a real jerk, that guy.
The gist is that if you send me five bucks and I make it to $100, not only will I buy more hosting for this site, I'll send you an ebook of the reviews featured on this site. It doesn't make sense to me either, but let's just go with it. If I get a bunch of loot, I'll put out a real book. I think that's feasible, through Amazon. If I don't make it to my goal, my site might close up shop like the disreputable hunk of garbage that we all know it is.
Here's the link to my Kickstarter begfest: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ilmza/ilmzacom-in-ebook-form
Long story short, my hosting ends in a month and my host is not cheap. I have a few other sites on here but nothing much of merit and, more importantly, nothing I wish to spend money on. As goddamn worthless as this blog is, in my own mind, it's surely the best of my hosted creations. Beyond that, I have a lot of support from many vocal, local individuals who seem to appreciate this garbage.
At the time, 23 months ago, I spent ~$180 for two years of hosting, discounted from ~$240. It's a great host (DreamHost), granting me unlimited domains, storage, bandwidth, et cetera. I never exactly made the most of my hosting package but was pleased with the service I received in any case. Now I'm faced with spending about ~$120 for a year at this host or ~$100 for two years at another. I'll probably jump ship, I guess.
A more likely scenario is that I'll just let this die. I have a sick kind of love for this blog of mine - a sort of perverted love that I've found some of you seem to share - but I'd rather buy a really sick bottle of old bourbon than some hosting. Or like 4 gallons of gutrot whiskey.
Early on I had a donations page which I promptly took down. I took it down because I never wanted shit from you fuckers. I wrote this crummy stuff for myself more than you. To say the least. However, having had such a large amount of positive (and negative) feedback, I feel compelled to see if you folks care enough to put up, or if you'd rather I shut up. So I had an idea: Kickstarter.
My vulgar tripe would make a half-way decent book. It would, ideally, be a physical book; a coffee table book. A shitter book. But even as an e-book it might have some merit. So, if I get to my $100 Kickstarter goal, not only will I host the site for two more years (and continue posting on occasion), I'll shoot out a well-made e-book to the folks giving donations. Some time later on I'll probably release the thing for free publicly, I guess. Should I not have said that? You should donate regardless. Because you're awesome.
Oh, hey, I ate an I <3 NY slice recently. It looked great but the structure was fucking terrible. It tore right in half as soon as I picked it up. I was bummed out. Especially because the old man was in there working and shit's usually spot-on when he's doing his thing. But then I went and got drunk at Firebelly and didn't give a shit. It was a NY Special slice, which I'm usually a big fan of:
If I get a whole bunch of money I'll release the book in a physical format, too, which I personally think this project is more suited for anyhow. Wouldn't you like to see this terrible absurdity sitting next to some shitty beach photography book in the local book store? I also have some small amount of 100-level university design experience in such infuriating products as Adobe InDesign, so man will this be a classy job!
As an aside, has anyone been inside Barnes and Noble recently? A quarter of the place is dedicated to the Nook. Another quarter is kids books, toys and board games. Another quarter is Starbucks. The remaining quarter is real books. At best. I'm vomiting right now, by the way.
Anyhow. I was hoping to have started this Kickstarter project tonight. Alas, I'm having some issues editing the rewards which I'm trying to offer (I'm trying to delete a reward where I split a pizza with you in person; no offense but I'm well aware that a lot of local proprietors/managers hate my guts and would pay money to get the chance to IRL stab me).
At present the reward structure is as follows:
- $5 - You get an e-book!
- $10 - You get an e-book and a personalized doodle or poem or something from me. Digitally most likely but if you want me to send it to an address that's okay you freak.
- $25 - The above plus a personalized dedication page forever (or as long I'm hosted, whichever comes first) on my crummy website.
- $250 - All the above plus I'll make a physical book and you'll get 1 or 3 or whatever of the first copies, signed by me. I don't expect anyone to do this.
Any thoughts on these rewards would be appreciated. Changes? Additions? Subtractions? I don't really know what I'm doing.
Hey you jerks! I've had some pizza lately but it was Papa Johns, mostly, and you all know what that stuff tastes like. It makes me want to jump up inside my own butthole, but, then again, what doesn't make me want to jump up there? There's always a party goin' on up there! Okay, down to the beeswax.
First off, it seems Goodfellas closed. I can't say I'm surprised, considering the mismanagement, crummy staff, lack of food consistency, et cetera. I can say that I'm kind of sad, however. I had hopes that they would get their act together, eventually. Oh well, I guess it's time for someone else to open a giant wacky failure of a pizzeria in that location.
Also, I wrote another review at liquorlunch, out of sheer boredom. Not much left to post here on my own site except Terrazzo and maybe a couple other random shitholes in town and perhaps abroad, so I might write a little bit over there instead.