This is gonna be a short post. I just want to let you know that Pizza Hut Pan Pizza SUCKS! I know, I'm a pizza snob so of course I think that Pizza Hut sucks. But at some point in the past 20 years Pizza Hut's pan-style offering has gone to complete shit. Hell, even Domino's pan crap is far superior to Pizza Hut, which is a ludicrous bunch of shit if you ask me.
Clearly not pan-formed. No awesome to-the-edge-cheese burnt crustiness. Nothing good in this world, God hates you and he always has, deal with it, Pizza Hut sucks. Toppings seemed liberally applied though and the jalapenos were classically awesome (always my favorite PH topping even as a small child).
The first time I ate Domino's was on a trip to Jersey as a child. We went to a mall specifically to get Domino's because it was my dad's friend's favorite pizza. Me and my brother pretended to eat it but spit it into napkins on the sly. On the other hand, we used to occasionally take trips to Pizza Hut and man I loved their pan pizza. On the off chance that my basketball team won a game, my dad would take us all out to Pizza Hut and I would get a personal pan pizza with jalapenos. If we lost, we were all summarily beaten with a gilded belt.
Nowadays, Pizza Hut pan pizza resembles Dominos regular pizza of yore and Domino's pan pizza fairly closely resembles old school Pizza Hut pan pizza. It doesn't make sense, my childhood is a lie and check this out: FUCK YOU, PIZZA HUT!
p.s. I should mention that my memories might be in relation to the personal pan pizzas, which might still be awesome to this day. I really have no idea. I just wanted to write a post about pizza, my girlfriend bought this recently, and it sucked a lot.
p.p.s. The breadsticks are still awesome in their old-school pizza-hutty way. Or at least that's how it seems to this old bird.
Say gang, what say you do my work for me: Is Lucianos now called Amore on Market? I'm too lazy to drive over there right now. Likewise, is Wrightsboro Nino's now called Amore Pizza and Pasta? If so, I'm confused as shit. Why is Nino's always involved in some kind of name clusterfuck? Are these places, in anything besides name, new? Did the respective owners both just happen to start taking remedial Italian at the same time and learned the world 'amore' and figured 'Yeah, see, the problem with my business is definitely the name, see, and amore means love, see, they'll love us after this idea rivoluzionaria'? Maybe they're both owned by the same people now and no one taught the owner the concept of branding. The world may never know because I don't care enough to definitively find out.
Loyal reader Heidi sent this monstrosity in. I have to guess that it is from ...motherfucking drumroll... Harris Teeter Oleander. Furthermore, I guess that Heidi had a myocardial infarction after eating this slice so we will probably never know whether or not I am correct. RIP Heidi.
My sister just texted me a picture of some pizza she ate and demanded I guess where it was from. Boom, fuck you, I got it. So send me some pictures. I'll try to guess the source.
Also, I owe some of my loyal readers some stuff (after all, you are basically paying for this website). I will make this right. If I don't, or if you get tired of my shitdickery, I will refund your donations. Just contact me. I'm a shitbird. For real. Could be genetic?
I will also be posting a new review in the next day or two! So there's that!
Another one bites the dust. That's right, another shitty pizzeria has closed its shitty doors. This time we mourn the passing of a long-time blight on the Wilmington pizza scene: Gumby's. Fans of this place were always hard to find, but they did exist, and they were without exception complete dummies. Gumby's should have been called Garbagetown USA. I don't know what I was thinking when I gave it a 6-recirc rating - I guess I was extra drunk when I wrote that review.
Anyway, good riddance to them.
In their place there is signage for a place called Brooklyn Sal's Pizza (or some shit), along with the nebulous words, 'coming soon.' I can only imagine that Gumby's owner was tired of his shitty pizza's shitty reputation and decided to basically steal the name of Wilmington's best pizzeria (Brooklyn Pizza) in hope of getting more than one customer a fucking year. If this is the case, I wish 'Sal' the best of luck. Oh wait, no I don't - he can eat a bag of fuck.
But maybe it will be a legitimate new pizzeria. Seems unlikely, though.
Soon I will be posting a review of the new Nino's spot, which is in a weird location across from the College/Market booze emporium. I've been going to Nino's now and then since their opening, three times in total. I've probably spent more than $20 in total. The first visit was a real let down. I bought a whole pie, since I figured it would be on par with the old Nino's location. It wasn't. The second time around was no better. Having recently finished my third try, I guess a review is in order. You'll have to wait and see if they have redeemed themselves. I know, the suspense, it kills
Seventy Cents to Freedom
I went to Golden China at 17th Extension and South College today for two reasons: One, I heard they had an appetizer called Chinese Pizza. Japanese pizza is one thing (and weird as fuck), but Chinese pizza? Sounds too perfect to be true. I don't think the good people of Hong Kong had even heard of pizza when I went there years ago. The second reason is that I wrote another review recently, but I don't want to post it because it's fairly negative and it bums me the fuck out. Anyway, Golden China didn't have any fucking pizza (shocker).
I wandered around like an idiot for a while. I walked around Dollar General. I hate Dollar General. Why don't they call it Everything's More Than A Dollar General? Because everything is more than a fucking dollar. Even stuff that oughta be a dollar is like $1.25, because Dollar General hates you, that's why. Then I wandered around Food Lion, and this My Essentials bullshit caught my eye (partially because I almost never shop at Food Lion and therefore never tried this):
It was on sale so I bought the fuck out of it. Normally this would have cost me over a dollar after taxes but I scored this shit for $0.70. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. I got this one specifically because it says it's microwavable, and I was going to take this back to the office to eat it. We don't have an oven; we have an ancient tiny microwave. It's one of those microwaves that's so old it doesn't have a spinny-turny apparatus. It's one of those microwaves that's so old that it has knobs instead of buttons. It's one of those microwaves that's so old you can feel the cancer emanating from it like a warm summer glow after a long nuclear winter.
Interestingly, the picture on the box isn't too far off. You basically know what you're getting when you buy this garbage, and I respect that. They know you're a broke hobo, you know you're a broke hobo, case closed. I'm surprised they spent the money on color printing, honestly. Here's the little pizza:
The sauce was a bland paste. The cheese was far from memorable. The crust reminded me of that weird, stupid, shitty Totino's frozen pizza I reviewed before. All in all it was pretty crummy and exactly what I expected.
I want to go back and buy every last one of these motherfuckers. Probably one of my favorite dollar frozen pizzas. But it's been a while since I've had the big dogg, Mr. P's.