My Essentials Extra Cheese Crispy Thin Crust Pizza Microwavable
Seventy Cents to Freedom
I went to Golden China at 17th Extension and South College today for two reasons: One, I heard they had an appetizer called Chinese Pizza. Japanese pizza is one thing (and weird as fuck), but Chinese pizza? Sounds too perfect to be true. I don't think the good people of Hong Kong had even heard of pizza when I went there years ago. The second reason is that I wrote another review recently, but I don't want to post it because it's fairly negative and it bums me the fuck out. Anyway, Golden China didn't have any fucking pizza (shocker).
I wandered around like an idiot for a while. I walked around Dollar General. I hate Dollar General. Why don't they call it Everything's More Than A Dollar General? Because everything is more than a fucking dollar. Even stuff that oughta be a dollar is like $1.25, because Dollar General hates you, that's why. Then I wandered around Food Lion, and this My Essentials bullshit caught my eye (partially because I almost never shop at Food Lion and therefore never tried this):
It was on sale so I bought the fuck out of it. Normally this would have cost me over a dollar after taxes but I scored this shit or $0.70. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. I got this one specifically because it says it's microwavable, and I was going to take this back to the office to eat it. We don't have an oven; we have an ancient tiny microwave. It's one of those microwaves that's so old it doesn't have a spinny-turny apparatus. It's one of those microwaves that's so old that it has knobs instead of buttons. It's one of those microwaves that's so old you can feel the cancer emanating from it like a warm summer glow after a long nuclear winter.
Interestingly, the picture on the box isn't too far off. You basically know what you're getting when you buy this garbage, and I respect that. They know you're a broke hobo, you know you're a broke hobo, case closed. I'm surprised they spent the money on color printing, honestly. Here's the little pizza:
The sauce was a bland paste. The cheese was far from memorable. The crust reminded me of that weird, stupid, shitty Totino's frozen pizza I reviewed before. All in all it was pretty crummy and exactly what I expected.
I want to go back and buy every last one of these motherfuckers. Probably one of my favorite dollar frozen pizzas. But it's been a while since I've had the big dogg, Mr. P's.
Papa Murphy’s
Lord have mercy
One year ago, literally to the day, some schmuck emailed me asking my opinion of Papa Murphy's. I told him that it was outside the scope of my blog, but 'maybe I'd make an exception.' Well that guy is probably dead by now, or living in the vast sewers underneath Las Vegas or maybe he's joined a professional basketball team in Europe. He's dead to me, anyway, that's all that matters! He sorta sent me on this horrible mission and is therefore sorta responsible for the bullshit I had to endure. Hell, I'm still enduring it; a lot of it is still just sitting in my fridge, mocking me.
I didn't know what to expect from this weirdo establishment. Their website is dumb as hell, and I couldn't find much real, tangible information readily available. Entering the store was not much of a help, either; prices were listed on boards somewhat haphazardly, for various sundry pizzas. It confused me, but, in their defense, so do simple things like magnets and hirsute women. Even as I write this review, I don't know whether to handle this like a normal pizza review or one of my throwaway frozen pizza reviews. It's not frozen but it might as well be. I mean i guess it's "fresh" in the sense that they made it right in front of me and shit, but I still have to trek home, crank the oven and throw the bastard in.
So this is the medium cheese pizza. To it I added oregano and crushed red pepper (as always), and half of it got some jalapenos, because fuck you, that's why. This thing cooked at 425F for like 12 minutes, maybe. It came out looking a little scary. One thing of note is that this medium pizza seemed pretty big to me. It also had like a million pounds of cheese on it. So if you like mountains of shitty cheese, this is for you. Also I guess it was a mix of cheeses but regardless it was bland. Hot out of the oven it was stringy and whatnot but when it cooled down for like half a minute, it became a solid mass of gutbusting misery. Bite into it and it all just sloughs off. Terrible.
The sauce was pasty and unremarkable, overcooked and overseasoned and stupid. The crust was bland and offensive in its inoffensiveness. Overall, I got the distinct impression that I was eating school pizza, except worse, crossed with my mom's crappy homemade pizza, except worse. It was pretty bad. The sad thing is that I might get another pizza from here, except with toppings. God, why did I even think that just now. Fuck me.
I guess I'll give this thing a rating, since, even though it's worse than most frozen pizza, at least it's "fresh." Right?
Oh by the way, check out my bourbon guest review over at liquorlunch.
7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Papa Murphy's - $5.10 after a $2-off coupon 2804 South College Road, Wilmington, NC
Freschetta By The Slice
Why?
You ever seen this shit in the store? Why the fuck have companies started selling frozen pizza by the slice? I don't see the point of this at all. I'd never considered buying one of these until this morning when I was feeling even more self-loathing than normal. I was buying like 8 cans of soup, for some reason (I guess because I like soup), and whilst walking through the frozen aisle I saw this and was really offended. But then I saw that it was on clearance for $1.59, so I bought the hell out of it.
I didn't bother looking at the cooking instructions before buying this. Luckily, it had microwave instructions. This was good because I was bringing this to eat at work and we don't have a fucking oven at work. What we have is the smallest, oldest microwave I've ever laid eyes upon. It took a lot longer than anticipated, but by some freak chance this thing actually 'finished' 'cooking' at some point.
Holy shit does that look terrible! Thankfully it tasted a tad better than it looked. The contraption it was laid atop seemed to cook it sort of, kind of, vaguely okay. The toppings were alright. The BBQ sauce was kind of cloyingly sweet and offensive. The crust was as shitty as other Freschetta crusts. All in all, it sort of tasted like what might happen if you were to reheat the result of someone eating a lot of good food, vomiting it back out onto a weird metallic-esque triangular prison of shame, shrink wrapping it, boxing it, and freezing it.
It was an abomination.
Digiorno Rising Crust Spicy Chicken Supreme
A while back I had some people over at my house for the purpose of getting really fucking drunk. It's what some people might call a party, but since I only have two friends it probably doesn't qualify. Well one of these idiots left a frozen pizza behind, so I decided to eat that shit. Mind you this all happened like a million years ago, and the only reason I'm writing about it now is because I got a Dunkin Donuts coffee, spiked it with whiskey and Bailey's and I don't know, fuck you, I'm all jacked up and drunk. It's as if Four Loko got resurrected just like whats-his-face, the Jew from the desert or something. You know who I'm talking about.
Generally I review plain pizza. And real pizza. Not this frozen terrible shit with a bunch of crap on it. But bada bing bada boom, fuck you, this pizza is real. Well I guess, shit I'm a little drunker than I thought. Could be the hash. This pizza tasted fantastic, if I remember correctly. It was pretty fucking great. It was the best free pizza I've ever had in my life, ever. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm sorry, internet. I'll post a real review soon, probably Siena or Papa Murphy's. Does anyone know if Siena still has their Tuesday special?
In conclusion, this pizza was awesome. They should rename it from "Spicy Chicken Supreme Pizza" to "Gut Busting Hangover Cure Sleepy Time Fuck You Pizza." In mega-retrospect, though, some of the slices had a ton of caked-on cornmeal on the bottom. That was really crummy, and it was also bullshit. Easily overlooked at the time, though. Still gross. Anyhow, sorry for this post.
Mystery Matchup!!
This blog is hitting a new low. A while back, I don't even know how long ago, I bought a couple containment units of pizza at the dollar store. I actually really like that dollar store. It's the one by CiCi's on South College. There's a closer dollar store right near my house, across town from the godly store I'm mentioning, but everything there costs like four dollars. It should be called 4Dollar Store. It's a great scam, I guess.
The worst thing about this review is that I don't even remember what the fucking pizzas are called, and I never took pictures of the packaging. For convenience purposes I will just call one of them French Bread Shitdick and the other one Triple Shitbird Express. The naming scheme may make more sense upon reading the rest of the review (or not). The second worst thing about this review is that I ate this bullshit weeks ago (I think) and my recollections are notoriously vague given such vast spans of time. The best thing about this review is that it's 7a.m. and I'm drinking Beast Ice, again!
French Bread Shitdick (a fucking dollar)
For a dollar I was not entirely offended by this pizza. My girlfriend is nearly blind and in bed and saw the above picture and asked me if I was reviewing dildos or something. Don't I wish. I put my standard accoutrements on here (oregano, crushed red pepper) and cooked it up. I sort of remember that one of the two of these had no oven-instructions, only microwave. I'm looking a little closer at the packaging and it seems this one had oven instructions. Which means Triple Idiot Surprise did not. So there's that.
This is not the best dollar pizza in the world but it's not the worst. It had some flavor and the French bread-ish crust was almost successful, in a dollar store sort of way. Honestly, though, this thing would have better use being thrown at those idiot kids you see skateboarding around convenience stores. I mean, doesn't their trailer park have pavement? Oh yeah, nope.
Triple Farting Flapjack Shutup (It was a dollar, man)
I also forget the name of this shitty product but it proved to me, once and for all, that God is a real fucking jerk. This shit was worse than the other crap above. It didn't taste like anything at all. I just drank a leftover half-can of nightstand beer from last night and it was superior to this triple facefuck of nothingness.
I thought it would be good, too; that's the worst part. I like mini pizzas, I don't know why ... They're fucking cute! I admit it. What could have been a delicious treat turned out to be some seriously stupid crap. Sadly I don't remember what the fuck it was even called so I'll probably buy it again because of how fucking adorable these little bastards are. I buy kittens all the time before realizing I'm allergic and then I just end up throwing them at skateboarding kids of limited means.
Winner: Frenchy Tits Magoo
I'll try to update this bullshit later when I find out what the fuck I even ate.
Update:
Dr. Oetker Pizza Mozzarella
I don't know where this fucking "Dr. Oetker" got his degree but it wasn't Pizza University. First of all this pizza looks 7 kinds of retarded:
Once you cook it, it doesn't look as retarded but the weird pesto-like blobs become more apparent. I guess they're really just clumped-up minced basil but I thought it was stupid. I guess they do this instead of putting leaves on that might burn? I don't really know. It wasn't that bad.
As is often the case where some dumb motherfucker decides to be fancy and use classy mozzarella, shit backfires. Such is the case here where the good Doctor was trying to fancificate frozen pizza and failed miserably, because the cheese tasted of approximately nothing besides stupidity and week-old farts. Furthermore the crust was mediocre. It reminded me of Palermo's except worse. For the record I love the shit out of Palermo's Margherita pizza.
I don't have anything to say about the sauce. The tomatoes on top were really good.
As much shit as I've talked about this pizza, I actually enjoyed eating it, mainly because: I was drunk; I stole it and it was thusly free; and it kind of reminded me of Palermo's. I'd eat this again, should I be given another opportunity to discreetly steal a box.
For the record I stole it from my parents' house so I may be a thief but at least I'm also a loser.
Dr. Oetker is a shitbird.
Totinos vs Tony’s
I admit it: I've been neglecting this blog. Anyone that's had a blog will admit, in my desperate defense, that neglecting a blog is the best part of having one. Same with having children. The main reason I want to have kids is so that I can lock them up in the car when I go shopping. And no, I won't crack a fucking window. How much oxygen does a kid need anyway? Yeah fuck you, shut up about the heat.
I'm kind of running out of shitty pizzerias to review and it was recommended to me that I ought to review frozen pizza. Personally I thought it was a terrible idea; in fact, I still do. Id rather review my form in throwing this desk across the room; and I damn well may. In any case I bought some really shitty, cheapass pizza recently. I'm not even entirely sure why, I suppose I was drunk.
Here goes literally nothing.
Tony's (about a buck)
Good god was this pizza bad! Wow! I added some oregano and crushed red pepper before baking it and it still tasted of nothing. This pizza is like a black hole of flavor. At least I had a beast ice to back me up. I used to work at a government office in Brunswick for a while and my lunch consisted of 3 beast ice and, well, that job was alright. I also drank a lot of custom-brewed tea while I was there. It was like the half-assed precursor to Four Loko that nature never envisioned. They'd be like: Wassup every computer is down and the servers are sucking hobo dicks in the parking lot. To which I'd respond: You ever drank 3 beast ice and chugged a bottle of Nyquil? Piss off bitch, I've got this.
Edit: I just realized that I was drinking Steel Reserve in those glory days, not beast. Carry on.
My roommate's weird-ass dog keeps coming in here. What the fuck, get out of here. He has no idea how many empty wine bottles I have right fucking here with his name on them. Six. That's how many you dumb fucking dog. Uh anyway Tony's pizza is fucking terrible! It's so bad. That's wassup.
Totinos (about a buck, fuck you)
As you can see, I ran out of beast ice. No matter, double stack the beast non-ice. Okay the gist of it is that Totinos is better than Tony's. Totinos is god-awful. It's straight up terrible. I hate it. It's got a weird flaky bottom and it's just god damn curious. 'Curious' is not a word you want to see used in relation to food, by the way.
Given all of that, Totinos is better. Tony's is just that bad. I guess I'm supposed to offer some kind of legitimate, critical observation. Alright. Tony's is pretty straightforward in that it sorta looks like a pizza. Well newsflash it tastes of nothing and it's fucking your retarded children in a pancake house in hell.
On the other hand, Totinos is weird as all get out, strange as shit, but it actually has some kind of taste so it fucking wins.
Winner: Totinos
More out-of-state pizza
I guess I've been going to NY a lot lately. This last visit included a lot of shitty pizza. Continue on to read micro-reviews of 3 pizza shops that you will probably never have the displeasure of patronizing
Quick Note: Brooklyn Hampstead
I went to Brooklyn in Hampstead and it was the fucking bee's knees, my gullet got proper fucked. New real review in a day or two.
Also, yes the pizza here is actually $2+ tax, I was overcharged previously.
Hoobie’s NY Pizza & Hoagies
So, I again ventured to Hoobie's. This time on a Thursday, at like fucking 2 p.m. or something. Last time I went to Hoobie's it was on a Monday at around 3 p.m. On Mondays they allegedly open at 4 p.m. for reasons no sane person could ever come up with. Here are their alleged hours:
Fucking closed. I pray to Couch Boulder that this place is fucking closed for real, for good, forever and for the good of all mankind. They looked forever-closed inside; bullshit was strewn about. Messy bullshit idiotic crap. If that's simply how they leave the joint when they leave, they disgust me. I hate this fucking place. I hope you are closed and also dead, forever.
Come to think of it, the inside of Hoobie's looks a fair bit like the inside of Pizza Joe's off Independence which closed like a year ago after the owner's addict son derped out or something, went full crackhead and caused the place tank to hell, and justly so because it was fucking nauseating. That place is still stocked with random pizzeria shit just lying around, after maybe more than a year. Stupidest shit I've ever seen.
In other news, it looks like Rudinos off Military Cutoff is definitely closed and becoming a New Balance store or something. Vast improvement over that vapid shitbird pizza.
I love it when shitty pizzerias fail. I love the shit out of it.