NO DADDY, NOT AGAIN!
About one second ago, Tower Pizza was called Amore (review here). Before that it was called Lucianos (review here). Before that I'm pretty sure it was some other pizza place but I've lost count. Why do people keep opening up half-assed pizzerias here? It's nestled in one of the corners of Wilmington bounded by the ghetto and Little Mexico. As far as I know, ghetto gentlefolk rob pizza delivery men and Mexicans eat their own food. And they drink. Man, do they drink. I once knew a Mexican named Chapuline (this means grasshopper) who would drink you under the table. But the thing about it was, he had built that damn table while getting shithoused with you, for the sole purpose of offering you shelter underneath it after you ineviably passed out. Real nice guy.
Okay fuck it, here you go, there's a new mediocre pizza place in the exact location that always has a mediocre pizzeria located in it. Changes hands every fucking day, I think. Must be some kind of tax benefit to failfuck a restaurant to hell as quickly as possible. (Mental note: look into this). And the pizza was indeed mediocre:
If you look at the above-linked Lucianos and Amore reviews, the exterior of this place is basically the same except for the "HOT PIZZA" sign. Tower Pizza has no such sign. This makes sense because what I was served was in fact "sorta-warm pizza." Not heating your pizza right up to the point of tastebud-disintegration can make your pizza taste, well, less than optimal. Such is the case here. The crust was pretty good, though screen-cooked. The cheese might have been okay, but it wasn't very good. The sauce was barely noticeable. If this slice was piping hot I might have mistaken it for something grander than it was.
What it ended up being was a reasonable triangle of gut filler for two dollars and twenty-five cents. There are worse things in the world. Yet, indeed, there are much better things as well.
4.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Tower Pizza - $2.25 tax included
3926 Market Street Wilmington, NC 28403
Some of this applies locally, you dick:
I randomly had to go to Kohl's recently so I decided to check in on Michaelangelos Pizza. I kind of hate that name. I'm still not sure if I spelled it properly. Just call yourself Mike's Pizza and fuck off I've got work to do. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aside, and the artist guy (I guess), this name can fuck right off. It's got like at least a thousand letters. I think they bought a double-occupancy space in this strip mall just to accommodate their sign.
The last time I reviewed this place I gave them a generous 4 stars, or recircs, or whatever these flippy little arrow things are. Less is better, I think. The slice I got last time was a reheat. The one I got this time was freshly served out of the oven. AND IT WAS WORSE. That's a bad thing. It's a terrible sign.
As far as pizza goes, the best pizza is usually fresh out of the oven. On the other hand, if you eat cold pizza and it's awesome, that generally means the pizza is exceptional. Example: Brooklyn.
If you eat cold, then reheated pizza which is better than fresh pizza from the same shop, you know shit is fucky.
This slice was loaded up with sauce. The sauce was okay. The cheese was clearly some bland low-moisture, low-fat shit. Crummy. The crust was bad. It had a sweetness which is not what you are looking for, right? This isn't dessert. It was cooked on a screen. Lazy. Fuck this shit. I won't change their rating, though. Just make sure you ask for an old, shitty, reheated slice and preferably get as many toppings as possible, to hide how bad the crust and cheese are.Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403
You done improved, son (while increasing your price $.25)
My previous review of Uncle Louie's can be found here: here, this is the link click this. As with most of my reviews, I was met with a bit of vitriol. Some kind soul named Sarah (I'm intentionally misspelling your name) decided to assert that I am "definitely a pathetic excuse for a human being." Oh lawdy! That must have been a good review I should probably re-read it but I shall not.
If you look at my past review's comment section and can somehow see beyond Sarah's flabby, maltreated cunt, you will see that a guy named Rocky invited me back to try an updated slice. His writing ability is definitely suspect but he seemed sincere so I decided to check in recently. I had a fresh $180 in fantasy football winnings burning a hole in my pocket and a crummy cooling system burning a hole in my car.
Below we have the old slice followed by the new slice:
If nothing else, we can be sure that we are dealing with completely different beasts here. In the first slice we are clearly dealing with underdone crust and the rest of the package looks pretty good. In the second picture we see a properly-cooked crust with a weird rim, a mass of cheese, and a potential over-saucing of the pie.
While I immediately take issue when a pizza maker takes it upon himself to create an artificial rim-job (heh heh), it's not the end of the world. However, just stop doing this. I don't even want to picture how this weird demarcation line is created on every pizza pie. It hurts my bones.
The slice looks like it might be oversauced but it really wasn't. Except, perhaps, near the rim of the crust. However, I was entirely okay with this because the pizza sauce was REALLY GOOD. I really liked it, two thumbs up, et cetera.
The problem with this slice is the cheese and basically there's just too much of it. In one sense - the fatty sense - you're kind of getting your money's worth. You're paying $2.75 for a cheese slice and it is a BIG SLICE, one of the biggest in town (their menu says an XL is 18" but this looked to be cut out of a 20"+ or maybe I'm nuts). This slice, however, is not easily fold-and-eatable, due to the very thin crust and over-abundance of cheese. You have to baby it to make sure it just doesn't flop into a pile of cheese on the plate. A lot of people will love this and I implore them to patronize Uncle Louie's because it is right up your alley. Personally, I woulda been happier with about 50% of the cheese. In terms of quality the cheese seemed okay but probably a degradation from last time.
In a perfect world, this review would silence my shitty critics. However, it is more likely that going from a 4.5 review to a 3 review will only engender pure fanatical hatred that I didn't give this place a perfect score. A score of 3 on this blog puts you in the upper echelon, now suck my dick.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Uncle Louie's Pizza Lounge - $2.75 + tax 3224 Suite F North College Road, Wilmington, NC 28405
This is gonna be a short post. I just want to let you know that Pizza Hut Pan Pizza SUCKS! I know, I'm a pizza snob so of course I think that Pizza Hut sucks. But at some point in the past 20 years Pizza Hut's pan-style offering has gone to complete shit. Hell, even Domino's pan crap is far superior to Pizza Hut, which is a ludicrous bunch of shit if you ask me.
Clearly not pan-formed. No awesome to-the-edge-cheese burnt crustiness. Nothing good in this world, God hates you and he always has, deal with it, Pizza Hut sucks. Toppings seemed liberally applied though and the jalapenos were classically awesome (always my favorite PH topping even as a small child).
The first time I ate Domino's was on a trip to Jersey as a child. We went to a mall specifically to get Domino's because it was my dad's friend's favorite pizza. Me and my brother pretended to eat it but spit it into napkins on the sly. On the other hand, we used to occasionally take trips to Pizza Hut and man I loved their pan pizza. On the off chance that my basketball team won a game, my dad would take us all out to Pizza Hut and I would get a personal pan pizza with jalapenos. If we lost, we were all summarily beaten with a gilded belt.
Nowadays, Pizza Hut pan pizza resembles Dominos regular pizza of yore and Domino's pan pizza fairly closely resembles old school Pizza Hut pan pizza. It doesn't make sense, my childhood is a lie and check this out: FUCK YOU, PIZZA HUT!
p.s. I should mention that my memories might be in relation to the personal pan pizzas, which might still be awesome to this day. I really have no idea. I just wanted to write a post about pizza, my girlfriend bought this recently, and it sucked a lot.
p.p.s. The breadsticks are still awesome in their old-school pizza-hutty way. Or at least that's how it seems to this old bird.
This ain't no hamburger
I went to my brother's house in Leland recently and he said "I'm getting In-n-Out for lunch," and I said, "no you're not, you prostitute." For the impossibly uninformed, In-n-Out is the best burger chain on the west coast. It kind of resembles Cook-out insofar as they like dashes in their names, they make good burgers for cheap, and they print Christian bullshit on their products. Another similarity is that neither of them sell goddamn pizza.
I remember Paul Stephen of the Star News mentioning the Princess Pizza guys would be opening this place. I would link to the article/blog post but the Star News site is still, inexplicably, locked behind a paywall. Anyhow, I guess the gents from Princess Pizza figured the name In-n-Out worked for an entire half of America, it oughta work for them, too. The name 'Princess Pizza' sure as fuck didn't work. What the fuck do I do at a place called Princess Pizza, play dress-up alongside my dollies and eat crumpets with my tea? Anyway this new joint is called In-n-Out and they serve pizza in Leland.
Three years ago I reviewed Princess Pizza in downtown Wilmington. They got one of the worst ratings I've ever given out: 7/8 recircs. "The sixth worst pizza in Wilmington" is not something they ever felt inclined to print on their pizza boxes, apparently. I bring this up because, man, I was not expecting to like In-n-Out's pizza, in any way, shape, or form.
My initial impression was that it looked like an amalgam of Papa Johns and NY-style pizza. The crust looked a bit poofy and soft in the faggotiest of ways. The cheese looked a bit overdone. But it had promise. It definitely looked better than the Princess garbage I've had in the past and at $9.99 for an 18", the opening of this pizza box held my interest.
The star here is the cheese. I assume it is Grande, but I'm not sure. It tastes like the cheese you get on every pizza that has ever knocked your socks off. Normally I'm not a cheese fiend but this is an exception. That is partly because the rest of the pizza was markedly crummier than the cheese. The sauce was alright. No complaints but no great compliments either. It wasn't a pasty, overspiced and overcooked mess but it wasn't great, either. Probably above average in terms of local pizzerias, though.
The problem with this pizza is with the dough. And it's not even really the formulation of the dough, because in a lot of ways it is pretty good. It seemed properly salted and the consistency was alright. The big problem is that they cook their pizzas on screens. This resulted in the cheese burning on top and the bottom of the pizza being whiter than my fat ass. If they cooked this thing directly on the deck it would be really, really, really good. Instead, it's just pretty good.
Man up, gents. Pizza peels might seem scary at first but you bitches can do it. I know you can. Contrary to what the pizzeria failures in this review's comments say, real pizza is never cooked on a screen. That's childish shit. Man the fuck up.
Also, what's the deal with turkey substitutes for pork products? I think these guys are Muslim. I don't mean that in mean/jokey way, I think they are. But c'mon guys. It's just a fuckin' pig. And I'm a fucking American let me eat dem pigs.
3 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)In-n-Out Pizza & Subs - $9.99 (18" pie) / $1.99 (slice)
1735 Reed Rd., Leland, NC 28451