Instead of finishing the e-book I promised my Kickstarter contributers I randomly built a website featuring local drink and food specials.
It is located right here: sloshr.com
My great, crippled, decrepit empire now consists of:
In my estimation, these sites combined are worth more than a shitty Java game called Minecraft so I am looking for north of 2.5 billion in the event of a buyout.
Improved from Impoverishment
I don't even know how to write these reviews, it's been too long since my last one. Be that as it may, today I'm taking a look at Bessie and Giuseppe, which took over from Incredible Pizza. B&G is so badass that they don't even need a sign with their name on it, apparently. Just 'PIZZA' will cut it, a sign carried over from Incredible. This didn't bother me. However, their other main focus is burgers so it seems like they might wanna say something like 'PIZZA AND BURGERS." Maybe that's just me.
I liked the interior of the place. I spent as little time as I could inside of the old Incredible location, but it seems very different to me now. In other words, improved. More of a bar vibe as opposed to some shitty fake pizzeria in a stripmall near the beach. Which is definitely not to say that Bessie and Giuseppe is much more than a shitty fake pizzeria in a stripmall near the beach. Moving forward we shall observe a slice of their pizza:
A rinky-dink little thing, that. You might say, "hey, it's only two dollars!" Yes sir, but that's what you pay at I<3NY and they include tax - and the slices are bigger and fucking mind blowing. The best thing going for this slice is the dough. It seems well-made and well-seasoned. Sadly, it was under-cooked and screen-cooked. It was paler than my ass. The sauce seemed good, I'll be honest. But I could barely taste any of it because it was so overwhelmingly under-applied. The cheese was mediocre, maybe a little above. If the sauce had been applied correctly and the pizza was cooked long enough and not on a screen, the cheese may have synergized this bitch to the moon.
The world may never know. Also, get draft beer guys, please lord.
4.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Bessie and Giuseppe - $2.00 + tax
1978 Eastwood Rd, NC 28403
[ed. note: this review is from my cohort at liquorlunch.com.]
Someone at my job organized a group trip to grab a slice for lunch and this place was the recipient of our ill-earned corporate money. When I first heard this place opened up I was stoked if only for the fact that it served beer and I could now forgo pregaming when Christmas shopping. Ask Pete to tell you about his Christmas shopping shenanigans [ed. note: don't]. Now that's a great story! This is just a mediocre review, and probably not worth the space on his site, but he forced me into it so here we are.
I arrived at the pizzeria (technically) and spent no less than 20 minutes waiting for two slices of cheese pizza. Let me say that again, in case you thought it was a typo. I spent TWENTY MINUTES in a PIZZA SHOP in a MALL waiting for TWO SLICES OF CHEESE PIZZA at LUNCH TIME. Now you may be thinking "Hey, don't they have those pre made?" Why yes the fuck they did, but the Jersey Shore reject in charge of reheating my slices thinks this process should be raised to an artform. A very slow, painfully inefficient artform. I can only hope that the kid was high and it was his first day. He was literally taking each individual ticket and slowly making each slice to order.
A "completely unexpected" rush at noon was enough to turn less than ten customers in line into bona fide full-stop gridlock. Being that I have an hour for lunch, my time is fucking precious and I was more than pissed at this turn of events, no less so since I've worked at both corporate and local pizza joints and this would not have been acceptable at either. I wanted to jump back there and show the kid how it was done, honestly. However, being the semi-adult I am, I brooded at a nearby table until my order was called. At that point I was presented with this:
I have to say, I didn't hold out much hope when I saw how thin the points of the slices were, but shockingly there was a perfect amount of structural integrity. It held up to the pizza-fold test without being overly crusty and burnt. Maybe it was the lack of booze; maybe it was the wait but this pizza was on point. Better than I've had at the other Slice locations. And this one has beer in the mall! The grease was that level of drip that suits itself perfectly to crust dipping. The cheese and sauce were more than passable. I have to say, these slices were the type that should be standard but all too sadly aren't in our world. The type of slice that is good because it is exactly what you expect of NY pies, and I admit bias when I say I didn't expect it from this place, especially after my shitty service. This is the slice you think of when you think of NY style pizza. The perfect sum of its parts and maybe a little extra.
I have to take a moment to mention how monumentally retarded their menu is, which I had plenty of time to study while waiting for my slices. Why would they have pizzas and not calzones and stromboli? Who the fuck knows. They have every single item required and yet they are not on the menu. Who does that?! Then there is exactly one sub listed on the menu (meatball) but no other ones. Why bother having bread if you don't have other subs? And then they have tacos and quesadillas on the menu. Because when I think pizza, I think Mexican food.
The absolute best thing about their menu are the wings. They make sense on the surface, until you think about how many people want to eat a food that necessitates sticking your fingers in sauce before shopping. You know, that activity where you touch and try things before buying them? And the fact that wings are their only menu item requiring a fryer, meaning they have a whole entire commercial grade appliance for ONE FUCKING MENU ITEM. Why not at least add fries or mozzarella sticks or some other bullshit to the menu? The world may never know.
I give this place 3 recircs despite their retarded menu and awful service. I hope it wasn't a one-off. Don't make me look like an asshole, Slice: get your crew in order. Also streamline that goddamn menu.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Slice of Life - $2.50 plus taxicles
3500 Oleander Dr., Wilmington, NC 28403
NO DADDY, NOT AGAIN!
About one second ago, Tower Pizza was called Amore (review here). Before that it was called Lucianos (review here). Before that I'm pretty sure it was some other pizza place but I've lost count. Why do people keep opening up half-assed pizzerias here? It's nestled in one of the corners of Wilmington bounded by the ghetto and Little Mexico. As far as I know, ghetto gentlefolk rob pizza delivery men and Mexicans eat their own food. And they drink. Man, do they drink. I once knew a Mexican named Chapuline (this means grasshopper) who would drink you under the table. But the thing about it was, he had built that damn table while getting shithoused with you, for the sole purpose of offering you shelter underneath it after you ineviably passed out. Real nice guy.
Okay fuck it, here you go, there's a new mediocre pizza place in the exact location that always has a mediocre pizzeria located in it. Changes hands every fucking day, I think. Must be some kind of tax benefit to failfuck a restaurant to hell as quickly as possible. (Mental note: look into this). And the pizza was indeed mediocre:
If you look at the above-linked Lucianos and Amore reviews, the exterior of this place is basically the same except for the "HOT PIZZA" sign. Tower Pizza has no such sign. This makes sense because what I was served was in fact "sorta-warm pizza." Not heating your pizza right up to the point of tastebud-disintegration can make your pizza taste, well, less than optimal. Such is the case here. The crust was pretty good, though screen-cooked. The cheese might have been okay, but it wasn't very good. The sauce was barely noticeable. If this slice was piping hot I might have mistaken it for something grander than it was.
What it ended up being was a reasonable triangle of gut filler for two dollars and twenty-five cents. There are worse things in the world. Yet, indeed, there are much better things as well.
4.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Tower Pizza - $2.25 tax included
3926 Market Street Wilmington, NC 28403
Some of this applies locally, you dick:
I randomly had to go to Kohl's recently so I decided to check in on Michaelangelos Pizza. I kind of hate that name. I'm still not sure if I spelled it properly. Just call yourself Mike's Pizza and fuck off I've got work to do. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aside, and the artist guy (I guess), this name can fuck right off. It's got like at least a thousand letters. I think they bought a double-occupancy space in this strip mall just to accommodate their sign.
The last time I reviewed this place I gave them a generous 4 stars, or recircs, or whatever these flippy little arrow things are. Less is better, I think. The slice I got last time was a reheat. The one I got this time was freshly served out of the oven. AND IT WAS WORSE. That's a bad thing. It's a terrible sign.
As far as pizza goes, the best pizza is usually fresh out of the oven. On the other hand, if you eat cold pizza and it's awesome, that generally means the pizza is exceptional. Example: Brooklyn.
If you eat cold, then reheated pizza which is better than fresh pizza from the same shop, you know shit is fucky.
This slice was loaded up with sauce. The sauce was okay. The cheese was clearly some bland low-moisture, low-fat shit. Crummy. The crust was bad. It had a sweetness which is not what you are looking for, right? This isn't dessert. It was cooked on a screen. Lazy. Fuck this shit. I won't change their rating, though. Just make sure you ask for an old, shitty, reheated slice and preferably get as many toppings as possible, to hide how bad the crust and cheese are.Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403