[ed. note: this review is from my cohort at liquorlunch.com.]
Someone at my job organized a group trip to grab a slice for lunch and this place was the recipient of our ill-earned corporate money. When I first heard this place opened up I was stoked if only for the fact that it served beer and I could now forgo pregaming when Christmas shopping. Ask Pete to tell you about his Christmas shopping shenanigans [ed. note: don't]. Now that's a great story! This is just a mediocre review, and probably not worth the space on his site, but he forced me into it so here we are.
I arrived at the pizzeria (technically) and spent no less than 20 minutes waiting for two slices of cheese pizza. Let me say that again, in case you thought it was a typo. I spent TWENTY MINUTES in a PIZZA SHOP in a MALL waiting for TWO SLICES OF CHEESE PIZZA at LUNCH TIME. Now you may be thinking "Hey, don't they have those pre made?" Why yes the fuck they did, but the Jersey Shore reject in charge of reheating my slices thinks this process should be raised to an artform. A very slow, painfully inefficient artform. I can only hope that the kid was high and it was his first day. He was literally taking each individual ticket and slowly making each slice to order.
A "completely unexpected" rush at noon was enough to turn less than ten customers in line into bona fide full-stop gridlock. Being that I have an hour for lunch, my time is fucking precious and I was more than pissed at this turn of events, no less so since I've worked at both corporate and local pizza joints and this would not have been acceptable at either. I wanted to jump back there and show the kid how it was done, honestly. However, being the semi-adult I am, I brooded at a nearby table until my order was called. At that point I was presented with this:
I have to say, I didn't hold out much hope when I saw how thin the points of the slices were, but shockingly there was a perfect amount of structural integrity. It held up to the pizza-fold test without being overly crusty and burnt. Maybe it was the lack of booze; maybe it was the wait but this pizza was on point. Better than I've had at the other Slice locations. And this one has beer in the mall! The grease was that level of drip that suits itself perfectly to crust dipping. The cheese and sauce were more than passable. I have to say, these slices were the type that should be standard but all too sadly aren't in our world. The type of slice that is good because it is exactly what you expect of NY pies, and I admit bias when I say I didn't expect it from this place, especially after my shitty service. This is the slice you think of when you think of NY style pizza. The perfect sum of its parts and maybe a little extra.
I have to take a moment to mention how monumentally retarded their menu is, which I had plenty of time to study while waiting for my slices. Why would they have pizzas and not calzones and stromboli? Who the fuck knows. They have every single item required and yet they are not on the menu. Who does that?! Then there is exactly one sub listed on the menu (meatball) but no other ones. Why bother having bread if you don't have other subs? And then they have tacos and quesadillas on the menu. Because when I think pizza, I think Mexican food.
The absolute best thing about their menu are the wings. They make sense on the surface, until you think about how many people want to eat a food that necessitates sticking your fingers in sauce before shopping. You know, that activity where you touch and try things before buying them? And the fact that wings are their only menu item requiring a fryer, meaning they have a whole entire commercial grade appliance for ONE FUCKING MENU ITEM. Why not at least add fries or mozzarella sticks or some other bullshit to the menu? The world may never know.
I give this place 3 recircs despite their retarded menu and awful service. I hope it wasn't a one-off. Don't make me look like an asshole, Slice: get your crew in order. Also streamline that goddamn menu.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Slice of Life - $2.50 plus taxicles
3500 Oleander Dr., Wilmington, NC 28403
NO DADDY, NOT AGAIN!
About one second ago, Tower Pizza was called Amore (review here). Before that it was called Lucianos (review here). Before that I'm pretty sure it was some other pizza place but I've lost count. Why do people keep opening up half-assed pizzerias here? It's nestled in one of the corners of Wilmington bounded by the ghetto and Little Mexico. As far as I know, ghetto gentlefolk rob pizza delivery men and Mexicans eat their own food. And they drink. Man, do they drink. I once knew a Mexican named Chapuline (this means grasshopper) who would drink you under the table. But the thing about it was, he had built that damn table while getting shithoused with you, for the sole purpose of offering you shelter underneath it after you ineviably passed out. Real nice guy.
Okay fuck it, here you go, there's a new mediocre pizza place in the exact location that always has a mediocre pizzeria located in it. Changes hands every fucking day, I think. Must be some kind of tax benefit to failfuck a restaurant to hell as quickly as possible. (Mental note: look into this). And the pizza was indeed mediocre:
If you look at the above-linked Lucianos and Amore reviews, the exterior of this place is basically the same except for the "HOT PIZZA" sign. Tower Pizza has no such sign. This makes sense because what I was served was in fact "sorta-warm pizza." Not heating your pizza right up to the point of tastebud-disintegration can make your pizza taste, well, less than optimal. Such is the case here. The crust was pretty good, though screen-cooked. The cheese might have been okay, but it wasn't very good. The sauce was barely noticeable. If this slice was piping hot I might have mistaken it for something grander than it was.
What it ended up being was a reasonable triangle of gut filler for two dollars and twenty-five cents. There are worse things in the world. Yet, indeed, there are much better things as well.
4.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Tower Pizza - $2.25 tax included
3926 Market Street Wilmington, NC 28403
Some of this applies locally, you dick:
I randomly had to go to Kohl's recently so I decided to check in on Michaelangelos Pizza. I kind of hate that name. I'm still not sure if I spelled it properly. Just call yourself Mike's Pizza and fuck off I've got work to do. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aside, and the artist guy (I guess), this name can fuck right off. It's got like at least a thousand letters. I think they bought a double-occupancy space in this strip mall just to accommodate their sign.
The last time I reviewed this place I gave them a generous 4 stars, or recircs, or whatever these flippy little arrow things are. Less is better, I think. The slice I got last time was a reheat. The one I got this time was freshly served out of the oven. AND IT WAS WORSE. That's a bad thing. It's a terrible sign.
As far as pizza goes, the best pizza is usually fresh out of the oven. On the other hand, if you eat cold pizza and it's awesome, that generally means the pizza is exceptional. Example: Brooklyn.
If you eat cold, then reheated pizza which is better than fresh pizza from the same shop, you know shit is fucky.
This slice was loaded up with sauce. The sauce was okay. The cheese was clearly some bland low-moisture, low-fat shit. Crummy. The crust was bad. It had a sweetness which is not what you are looking for, right? This isn't dessert. It was cooked on a screen. Lazy. Fuck this shit. I won't change their rating, though. Just make sure you ask for an old, shitty, reheated slice and preferably get as many toppings as possible, to hide how bad the crust and cheese are.Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54 228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403
You done improved, son (while increasing your price $.25)
My previous review of Uncle Louie's can be found here: here, this is the link click this. As with most of my reviews, I was met with a bit of vitriol. Some kind soul named Sarah (I'm intentionally misspelling your name) decided to assert that I am "definitely a pathetic excuse for a human being." Oh lawdy! That must have been a good review I should probably re-read it but I shall not.
If you look at my past review's comment section and can somehow see beyond Sarah's flabby, maltreated cunt, you will see that a guy named Rocky invited me back to try an updated slice. His writing ability is definitely suspect but he seemed sincere so I decided to check in recently. I had a fresh $180 in fantasy football winnings burning a hole in my pocket and a crummy cooling system burning a hole in my car.
Below we have the old slice followed by the new slice:
If nothing else, we can be sure that we are dealing with completely different beasts here. In the first slice we are clearly dealing with underdone crust and the rest of the package looks pretty good. In the second picture we see a properly-cooked crust with a weird rim, a mass of cheese, and a potential over-saucing of the pie.
While I immediately take issue when a pizza maker takes it upon himself to create an artificial rim-job (heh heh), it's not the end of the world. However, just stop doing this. I don't even want to picture how this weird demarcation line is created on every pizza pie. It hurts my bones.
The slice looks like it might be oversauced but it really wasn't. Except, perhaps, near the rim of the crust. However, I was entirely okay with this because the pizza sauce was REALLY GOOD. I really liked it, two thumbs up, et cetera.
The problem with this slice is the cheese and basically there's just too much of it. In one sense - the fatty sense - you're kind of getting your money's worth. You're paying $2.75 for a cheese slice and it is a BIG SLICE, one of the biggest in town (their menu says an XL is 18" but this looked to be cut out of a 20"+ or maybe I'm nuts). This slice, however, is not easily fold-and-eatable, due to the very thin crust and over-abundance of cheese. You have to baby it to make sure it just doesn't flop into a pile of cheese on the plate. A lot of people will love this and I implore them to patronize Uncle Louie's because it is right up your alley. Personally, I woulda been happier with about 50% of the cheese. In terms of quality the cheese seemed okay but probably a degradation from last time.
In a perfect world, this review would silence my shitty critics. However, it is more likely that going from a 4.5 review to a 3 review will only engender pure fanatical hatred that I didn't give this place a perfect score. A score of 3 on this blog puts you in the upper echelon, now suck my dick.
3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Uncle Louie's Pizza Lounge - $2.75 + tax 3224 Suite F North College Road, Wilmington, NC 28405
This is gonna be a short post. I just want to let you know that Pizza Hut Pan Pizza SUCKS! I know, I'm a pizza snob so of course I think that Pizza Hut sucks. But at some point in the past 20 years Pizza Hut's pan-style offering has gone to complete shit. Hell, even Domino's pan crap is far superior to Pizza Hut, which is a ludicrous bunch of shit if you ask me.
Clearly not pan-formed. No awesome to-the-edge-cheese burnt crustiness. Nothing good in this world, God hates you and he always has, deal with it, Pizza Hut sucks. Toppings seemed liberally applied though and the jalapenos were classically awesome (always my favorite PH topping even as a small child).
The first time I ate Domino's was on a trip to Jersey as a child. We went to a mall specifically to get Domino's because it was my dad's friend's favorite pizza. Me and my brother pretended to eat it but spit it into napkins on the sly. On the other hand, we used to occasionally take trips to Pizza Hut and man I loved their pan pizza. On the off chance that my basketball team won a game, my dad would take us all out to Pizza Hut and I would get a personal pan pizza with jalapenos. If we lost, we were all summarily beaten with a gilded belt.
Nowadays, Pizza Hut pan pizza resembles Dominos regular pizza of yore and Domino's pan pizza fairly closely resembles old school Pizza Hut pan pizza. It doesn't make sense, my childhood is a lie and check this out: FUCK YOU, PIZZA HUT!
p.s. I should mention that my memories might be in relation to the personal pan pizzas, which might still be awesome to this day. I really have no idea. I just wanted to write a post about pizza, my girlfriend bought this recently, and it sucked a lot.
p.p.s. The breadsticks are still awesome in their old-school pizza-hutty way. Or at least that's how it seems to this old bird.